The ladies at the disco club...

Last week, a friend of the family came in from out of town. She is a little younger than me, by about 10 years. Since I have time, I was enlisted to entertain her and her friend. The focal point of their visit? To visit with our family of course, but most importantly to find a MAN! That gender ratio disparity rears its ugly head...There are 10 women for every man in the United States, so they can pick and choose and they know it!

One night, we decided to go to the club. The first place we went to was more like a bar, with men who were not really attractive but they were okay. I guess I don't get excited about men like the younger set :) And then the next bar that we went to was basically ALL women! The women seem to be my age or a little older, but they too were on a mission. The dance floor was women dancing like they were in a strip club...and the five men that were in the club stood at the edge of the dance floor enjoying the show...

Afterwards, we found a club that was open until 5 am. The door policy was crazy: no gum, no bottles, no lighters, no cigarettes...the only thing you could take into the club was a smile. Once we cleared security, there was a man with a cash box. The cover charge was $10. Too much money in my estimation of things, but the kids wanted to go...so we went! The club had 2 levels, the lower level was empty but you could hear music booming from the rafters. We ascended the staircase to find hundreds of kids bumping and grinding to the beat of rap music.

Some girls were dressed modestly, with floor-length sundresses and sandals or jeans with a cute t-shirt. Others in bootie shorts and dresses just long enough to fall below their buttocks with 4 inch heels. The young men were dressed in the finest urban gear, standing in groups with their friends testifying to the lyrics of Lil' Wayne..."Cuz we like her, and we like her too." I was surprised, one of those young dudes asked me (the senior citizen of the group) for my phone number!

Anyway, as I sat back and observed the events of the evening I realized something, these are the people that will benefit from my study. I wondered, does that young lady who is bumping her butt up against that guys crotch know her worth? Does she realize that she is beautiful? Does she protect herself and is she aware that she is at risk? And when I saw that young man, standing at the bar sippin' on his Corona I wondered if he will respect her in the morning? Will he insist that they use a condom? Does he like to sleep with men, but is fearful of the stigma that comes with homosexuality?


NurseDiva...That's what happens when a researcher to a nightclub!

Hey man, this isn't supposed to be about me!!!

In my quest to study HIV/AIDS as a theme for my doctoral project, I have enlisted the help of a local nursing expert in the area of infectious disease. The expert is an amazing woman. She came to one of our classes in women's health to discuss the impact of AIDS in the community. I was impressed...

Initially, my interest was to study the paucity of data regarding the relationship between knowledge, perception of risk and high risk sexual behavior of African American men aged 27-50 who seek casual sexual encounters with women using social networking sites on the Internet.

In English: I want to know what black men know about catching a sexually transmitted disease, whether or not they think they are at risk for catching a sexually transmitted disease and how that information affects their sexual practices.

When I broached my nursing profs with the research idea I developed, they gave me discouraging news. How would I get the IRB to approve my research using the Internet? There are no doctorally prepared nursing faculty who study Infectious Disease...Who would be on my committee? Maybe I should change my foci...NOT! So, I wrote a letter to the local expert begging her to be on my research committee and to mentor me so that when I am done with the fellowship, I too can be an nurse expert in the area of infectious disease. I could have fainted when she said yes!

The first time we met, she was feeling me out to see how serious I was about studying HIV and what I already know about the population. I had to admit that I knew nothing and that I was hoping that she would put me in the right position to get the exposure I need to develop a good study.

She basically told me that I had a group of subjects sitting right in my lap...My friends! African American women who are my age are the fastest growing number of newly diagnosed HIV in the country...but I wanna study men!!! She gave me a 10 article reading assignment on HIV/AIDS among African American women and scheduled a meeting to discuss what I have learned.

I read the articles and didn't learn anything that I didn't already know. But she posed some questions that made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Do I think that I am at risk for contracting HIV?

Why don't I think I can contract it?

I have children, which proves that I have unprotected sex...that clearly makes me at risk. And what makes me think I should trust my partner?

Now she did not come right out and ask in that order, we had conversation in between. It really made me think:

'Why do we trust who we trust?'

'Why are African Americans the highest group? What does our population need to get the wake-up call?'

'Is the little 15 minute sexual encounter worth risking my life over?'

'With the numbers growing so fast, why don't we know more people who have had a close call...a diagnosis...or even died of AIDS?'

I have donated blood, but I have never had an official AIDS test. I could be HIV positive!

Ugh, now I am thinking about changing my research question...but I won't because there is something about my discomfort that intrigues me! I want to do a study that is interesting but will also help my community. This is hitting too close to home. This isn't supposed to be about me...but I realized that whatever I study is about me!

NurseDiva, the nursing scientist....Lol!!!

Everything is happening so fast. BSN, then MSN, apply to take boards and doctoral intensive courses. My head is spinning! But I will break down what I am doing so that it is more easily understood. To be honest, I just learned it myself :p

The first course that I am taking as an official doctoral student is advanced research. The goal of this course is to develop your research problem, research purpose and research question that you would like to study. At the end of the class you should be finished with the first three chapters of your written proposal, which includes you literature review. The literature review is when you go to the library and look for scholarly articles that support what you want to study...basically you are looking for proof that your study has NOT already been done :)

The written proposal is like asking the project defense people and university for permission to go forward with your experimental study. If they say yes, then you go to the institutional review board, which is a panel that reviews studies to make sure that they are ethical...an example of unethical would be like the Tuskegee experiment!

So I have been developing my research problem and I am stuck. I will share my ideas and if you are into this sort of thing maybe you can give me some feedback. Or if your are not, you can just tell me if you think it is cool or not! I am not afraid that my idea will get stolen because if you can make something out of this you are freakin' awesome!!

My research interests include: african americans, health disparities, education regarding std transmission, HIV/AIDS, health promotion and health protection.

Research problem #1

The research problem being investigated is the relationship between motivation and adherence to the plan of care in African American populations with chronic illness.

In English: I want to know what will motivate black people with hypertension, diabetes or HIV/AIDS follow the instructions given by the clinician. I say clinician because Nurse Practitioners are the future of primary care!

Research problem #2

The research problem being investigated is the relationship between knowledge of sexually transmitted disease transmission and high risk sexual behaviors of adult men on social networking sites.

In English: I want to know if guys who frequent websites like MySpace and Tagged know how STDs are passed from one person to another and how that knowledge speaks to their sexual behavior...are they more high risk because they don't know how diseases are passed?

I have a meeting with my prof to find out whether or not either of those studies will work. I think this research thing could be FUN!

Well, I guess I should get my kids ready for school...

I'm still here!!!

I have missed blogging. Blogging was a therapeutic outlet for me to share my feelings. It was all fun and games, until my ex found it and confronted me about all the things that have happened over the last four years! It was kind of funny at first, but then I felt bad. And then I thought, well hell it's the truth so he'll get over it!! So I'm back!!

What have I been up to lately? Well, there have been a variety of things that I wished I had blogged about and didn't so I will get you up to speed. The last post that I wrote was about my adventures in billing. A funny thing happened with that class. The teacher only taught the class for one hour and refused to give office hours. She would only answer questions via e-mail on Wednesdays. I was pissed. So I did my assignments to the best of my ability and waited for my grades. I received an 88.5% as a final grade. I received an 'F' on one of my assignment because according to her I turned it in late. I knew that this prof was going to be difficult so I planned ahead. When I turned in my paper, I asked her to send me an email to let me know that she received it, and she did. The timestamp on the email was at 8am on the due date. I sent proof to the prof that my paper was on time and she said that she really meant to say that she was giving me a 'F' because my work was of a poor quality. That made me go to the dean. I explained the situation and waited for a response. The response? She said I had to take the 'B'...ain't that a bitch? The reason? Because it is not important for me to get an 'A' it is important to finish the semester so that I can graduate and sit for boards. I was so pissed, I stayed mad for 3 weeks! I wonder if they would be as lenient if I accidentally plagiarized?

Speaking of graduation, did I tell you? I graduated on Sunday!

I am officially:

NurseDiVa, RN, MSN

Next stop: boards and the completion of my doctorate. I plan to take boards in July. I have been practicing my new signature all week! But there is no rest for me, I am already back in class! At the moment, I am working on my doctoral coursework. Yesterday was my first day as a REAL doctoral student. The first class is a research course. In this course, we are developing our written proposal for our doctoral project. I have not finalized my research problem but I understand how the development process works. Which I think is a good start :)

Since I have been a doctoral student, I have met some really nice nursing leaders. One is a Midwife from the southeast and another is a Women's health NP from the southwest. Then there is one from the Midwest who is in management, one from the southeast who is a Family/Psych NP and one who is a nurse attorney! All of the nurses in our classes, (except those of us who have limited nursing experience) are amazing advanced practice nurses from whom I hope to learn. They are nursing leaders from all over the country.

Who would have ever thought that I would be where I am today? At graduation, one of my nursing mentors suggested that I will be working on my PhD. I laughed, but now I wonder if I really WILL be working on a PhD!!
Nah...

Since I am not ready to tell you to your face...

I will tell the world!

I have been a great friend to you. When we worked in Labor and Delivery together, our co-workers treated you like poop. I listened to you cry. I fixed your mistakes and watched your tracings so that you wouldn't let your patients hyper-stimulate. It was I that defended you and tried to make you feel like a member of the team. I was so excited when we received the fellowship together. It seemed like the start of a beautiful friendship. But there is one thing that I have taken for granted. You have no idea what it means to be a true friend.

My first semester of the FNP program was challenging. I had been out of school for a year and a half. The L&D job was hard on my feelings of confidence and self-esteem. And it didn't help that our assessment instructor called me 'fat' in front of the entire class. Instead of being my friend and supporting me, you opted to kiss our instructor's ass because she was your advisor. I was not saying that you had to hate her because she was mean to me. That's ludicrous! My thought was that since I listened to you vent when you were being ostracized at our previous employer, that when I am having a hard time that you would return the favor. That's what friends are for! But not you. You tried to distance yourself from me. I talked to you about it and I decided that it would be better for me to give you plenty of space.

You understood that I distanced myself from you because of your behavior. You apologized and I forgave because it is who I am, it's what I do. I thought that you truly valued our friendship. I was wrong. The first class we took together this semester we had a group project. It was a spur of the moment thing and we were given an option. Either we could work on the project after class or come in early the next morning and complete our work. We voted and the majority won fair and square. We agreed to stay late. You said you had daycare issues. I understand daycare issues, I too am a mother. But your kids were with your mother and you said that she was understanding.

We offered to let you leave and you chose to stay. You said you only needed to make a phone call. But you had decided that if you HAD to stay, you were going to make EVERYBODY miserable. You disappeared for an extended period of time, then you expected the whole group to wait for you to read the article before we started working on the project. I thought that sucked because you were gone at least 30 minutes. That was more than enough time to make a phone call home. You insisted on doing the powerpoint which was fine. But anytime that we tried to give you feedback about typographical errors and problems with content, you had a very nasty attitude. It was HELL working with you. But you explained your position and I tried to understand. Everyone deserves a second chance. Then there is Sunday...

This Sunday, we had our class that teaches us how to negotiate our contracts once we become nurse practitioners. This was very important to all of us, especially those of us in primary care. We all need to know how insurance covers patients and how to chart so that we get reimbursed. Just because you are a midwife and they bill for your services in bundles doesn't mean that the rest of the class might not have benefited from the content. Within one hour of the class starting, your kids started calling you. And it was for stupid stuff. You interrupted our class to take these phone calls and expected that the teacher wait for you to finish your calls before she continued teaching. That was so unfair and if it were me, you would have said something. I also did not appreciate how you spoke to our classmate, who happened to know the answer to a question that you posed. I know, you didn't say it to me, but I thought that you were unnecessarily mean.

Since the teacher told you that class would be over at 3pm, she tried to rush through the content to accommodate you. That was also bullshit. Our class costs $1500 and I felt that we should be able to benefit from being able to answer questions. You made us all feel very uncomfortable. You should be ashamed of yourself. We came all they way to your neighborhood, which was better than 30 minutes from campus and within 10 minutes of your home. That made the drive almost an hour for me and at least 30 minutes for everyone else. We did everything to accommodate you. And you still had to have it your way. I apologize but I cannot be your friend.


NurseDiVa...

Who is that amazing chic in the mirror?

Since the summer I have been trying to lose a bit of weight. I have successfully lost around 30 pounds, (not counting what I have regained from Thanksgiving, lol). I am excited because it has been very nice being able to fit clothes that I never realized were really too small in the first place. I am also experiencing the pleasure of buying clothes in a smaller size. But the most amazing revelation I had was on Saturday morning.

After a night of binge drinking I awoke the next morning to find myself completely naked in the arms of a former flame. I have no regrets about that, well maybe one or two but I think that is a different blog post. I crawled out of the bed with a slight headache (or should I say hangover) and a deep sense of satisfaction. As I was headed to the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of a lady passing by the mirror on the dresser. She was chubby, but curvy. I was so impressed that I stopped to take a good long look.

Soft, supple, golden brown skin with a few strategically placed stretch marks covered her ample frame. Obviously, this woman has had a few babies, but despite that fact her breasts have maintained their shape and are still somewhat perky. Her upper abs were beginning to take form and following them to her lower abdomen, there is one moderately sized roll of flesh begins just above her belly button and rests gently on her shapely hips. Moving down from the hips, her thighs were slightly dimpled on the back side of her legs, but the front of her thighs and calves were toned, as though she might have been a cheerleader or an athlete at one point in time.

Her arms are warm and inviting. Very nice shoulders, I thought. Her eyes were smiling although there were waves of disbelief and wonder splashing across her face. As she started to smile at me, it was infectious. So much so that I started to smile back and it was in that moment I realized that the beautiful woman I was admiring was me!

DiVa...Learning to love herself again!

Pinning Ceremony...coming soon to a DiVa near you!

About 2 weeks ago I signed up for my pinning ceremony. I have decided that this go round I would let my mother and my sister pin me. My mother has this ridiculously low self-esteem. It's like she wants me to 'beg' her to pin me. Dude, you complain that no one cares about you and then I invite you to pin me and you say, "why don't you let you Ex-dude pin you?" I wish I would let that bastard pin me. My sister is having a pretty tough time right now too. I thought it might give her a boost. But the only thing she can seem to do is ask me if I can freakin' babysit. I am so tempted to just say forget it and pin myself. Those two women know how to suck the joy out of anything! I should let one of my readers pin me. Any takers?

Despite all of their drama, I am still quite amp'd about my impending graduation. In May, I will be attending Graduation part 1 of 2. I will be finishing the master's at the end of December, but have elected to walk across the stage in May. Yay me! I never imagined that I would have ANY degree let alone a master's degree or even a doctorate. Dr. DiVa...I still can't see it yet. In the Spring, I start plugging away at my doctoral coursework. I think I might have stumbled upon something I want to study for my project. I think it might be HIV peer counseling. I found this topic while working on a paper for my Health Care Policy class. I have no idea how that I will work that out, but it should prove to be very interesting to say the least.

I think I am pretty glad that I decided to choose Family Practice as my specialty. For a couple of reasons...

1.) I will always be able to find a job
2.) I can work in nearly ANY area of primary care
3.) I will never be bored (hopefully)
4.) When I decide to walk the earth and do good ('peace corps' or 'doctors without borders') I will have the skills to make a meaningful contribution to the areas being served.

There is probably only one disadvantage, everybody seems to think I can cure them. One of my family members asked me to do a pelvic. No thanks, I think I'll pass. Lol!

DiVa...Pelvic exams on family members, definitely doing too much!