I have been doing a lot of reflecting. The last time I wrote about a group project that went awry. I did a really aggressive thing and I told the culprit of my agony exactly how I felt. I guess sometimes things are better left unsaid. I removed myself from the situation and frankly, now I am pondering how one knows if a person is truly a friend. I have been in nursing school now for two and a half years. Because I attend such a pretensious school, I never really felt that I belong. I feel that intellectually, I can match any twenty-something any day of the week, but the social strain is becoming more than I can bear. And the main thing that bothers me the most is that the woman with whom I had my disagreement is closer to my own age than anyone in the group. Maybe the Nurse Diva is not as together as she thinks.
When I started nursing school, I wanted to be a totally different person by the time I graduated. I thought that having a bachelor's degree would give me more confidence and higher self-esteem. And I must say, I do feel a little more confident, but I am constantly doubting myself. I know that my experience in this group project was bad, and when the others talk to me, they agree that it was bad. But now I find myself on the outside of our once cohesive group. The person responsible for my disenchantment wants to talk to me. I am too angry for that right now, and furthermore, I feel that the damage is already done. I know that I am an excellent writer when it comes to schoolwork. I have the compassion that is required to successfully become a nurse, but I have problems with conflict. When I take the high road, I feel lousy because I feel like the whole world is stepping on me. And when I let people know how I really feel, I feel like a bitch. Is there a happy medium?
There was an incident in clinicals the other day where I felt one of the nurses was being particularly rude. I told her about it, and now it seems that everyone on staff in the unit is making my final days a living HELL. Now, had I been rude, someone would have conveniently told my clinical instructor and I would have been in BIG TROUBLE. Had I took the high road, this person would feel that I am just someone that can be walked all over because I am a student nurse and she is a big time, seasoned professional nurse. This is evidenced by the fact that a few of the nurses were in the lounge telling these "How can you tell a student nurse" jokes.
So, the group did the project without me. It kind of makes me seem like a huge jerk. I had a family emergency involving my kids and I needed to be late and they started without me. The instructor acted as though I did nothing to help the group. I did edit the final copy and format the APA. I also devised the discussion questions. I offered to do a power point but it was felt that it was "un-necessary". It's probably a good thing since I missed the presentation anyway. I am tempted to tell the instructor the problems that our group had and offer to do another one by myself. Maybe I'll just wait.
I guess from now on I will go to school. I will keep my head down and do my work. No more worries about social stuff. Pure academia.