Saturday, May 21, 2005

I did the most radical thing yesterday...

I cut off almost all of my hair and dyed it.

I can't believe I did it. It is so different now. My fiance LOVES it, my parents haven't seen it yet. I am a little nervous about being in the public because it is such a dramatic change. So why did I do it? I wanted to be free...and a little rebellious. I think I have taken the DIVA thing to a whole different level. I'm not used to seeing some of my facial features in such great detail. I usually keep enough bangs to hide behind. Maybe it is time for me to stop hiding behind my hair and be outrageous. I am fierce I tell you, FIERCE!

In a way it makes me feel more mature looking. I'm not sure how I feel about my transformation. It is certainly going to take some getting used to. My new look has a kind of androgenous, punk rock feel to it. I want to feminize just a little bit. I may need to start wearing lipstick and earrings. (My hairstylist suggested that I get a tee shirt that says "I like guys!") Or maybe I won't. This could be fun. I had a perm before and it has been a long time since I have seen my natural hair and to be honest, it's not that bad. I am hoping that this change will help me to love myself just a bit more and feel more comfortable in my own skin. I want it to enhance my self esteem.

I heard Dr. Phil say something really cool yesterday. He was helping this family where the Mom was battling a serious drug addiction. She was resisting his help and in doing so she was saying some insulting things to Dr. Phil. I think she said, "I don't believe in what you do!" He said the most remarkable thing. He told the woman that what she said to him didn't bother him a bit because his self worth was not dependent on her acceptance. It made me think about some things. I had an epiphany. All my life, my self worth has been dependent on the acceptance of others. If someone said that I was a bitch, I internalized it and tried to alter my behavior to gain acceptance. No more. Today is a new day. And moving forward I have a new mantra:

I am who I am. I'm not at all bothered by your comments negative or otherwise because my self worth is not dependent on your acceptance. Once I have communicated my point of view in a pleasant manner,(of course and take your thoughts and feelings under careful consideration), if I still feel that I am being reasonable, I will no longer apologize for your lack of understanding. I refuse to change my personality to please you and if you don't like me, that's your problem and your just gonna have to deal with it!

...The DIVA


Disclaimer: My new mantra is meant to enhance the present values and belief systems currently in place. It will in no way effect the high quality of care that I consistently provide for patients. I will always respect the belief systems, values and feelings of others. The intent of my new life perspective is to protect me from people who treat me with a lack of respect. I will always stand up for what is right, and people are going to stop walking all over me. Personal growth makes the world a better place to live in.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I received my report card today and...

I made dean's list. Congrats to me. I feel so accomplished considering that this past semester was hell. I am preparing for summer and my final year of nursing school. I finished my finals at the other college I am attending. Now I just wait for the grade report. I paid for my summer classes yesterday. Believe me, nothing is going to stop me now.

I am working on my garden, sort of like avoidance behavior from the housework. I can't wait for something to start growing. I watch the dirt everyday expecting something to come out of it. I have never done this before, but I think it may be addicting. I am trying to find more things to read on the internet to enhance my knowledge.

The house is coming along. My boyfriend/fiance has been helping out. The kids seem pretty excited about the renovations. I can't wait to see the finished product. I am a little nervous about sleeping in the basement. I saw a centipede and nearly had a MI! Soon I am going to buy the paint. Then I can get the ball rolling. I still have to get rid of some stuff. That will be the hard part. We'll see how things go.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

My house is getting a makeover...and the Diva is in charge

Today I got rid of all my old furniture. In a way it is a relief because it was heavy, and dark. It drew heat and it was as old as my son. In feng shui principle, the furniture absorbed a lot of the energy. Now that it is gone, I can feel the flow of the chi. As I see my old furniture sitting on the curb, I realize that it held a lot of good memories. It was my very first living room set in my very first house. It served us well. The sectional was finally giving out on us. The tables were impossible to clean. But, change is inevitable, and it is definitely time for a change.

Even though the furniture is gone, the house still seems full. My next task is to wash and prepare the walls for paint. But before I do that, I need to clean the carpet and take everything out of the kids' room and organize it. I am going to clean off my desk and re-arrange it. I'll be filing all of my notes chronologically. I am really pumped because I bought new furniture from Pier One Imports. The house it going to have more of an ethnic feel. That in and of itself is going to be a huge change.

The kids have decided that they want a mural painted on their bedroom walls. My son asked for Spiderman, and my daughter wants one of the Bratz on her wall (Sasha, I think). My fiance is a pretty good artist and he is confident that he can make their mural happen. For his sake, I hope he can. I would like to have a willow tree painted on my bedroom wall, otherwise I am painting the walls amethyst. I want to do something interesting with the upstairs bathroom. Maybe grape and lime green will be the color scheme.

The amazing thing is that I have only spent $1000. That is not bad at all for a whole house makeover including furniture. I know one thing for sure, after I buy the paint, I am putting the bank book away for a while! Soon after that, it's back to school time. In order to graduate on time, I will need to take two classes over the summer.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Blogging at the speed of light

Today the sun is shining. My fiance is the most wonderful man in the world. I love him so very much. Today he said one of the most beautiful things to me and I am feeling so uplifted. I have been having a pretty disappointing semester, and he has been my light at the end of the tunnel. I would marry him today but he will screw up my financial aid package. We are going to be married, just not right now. First I need to graduate from school and secure a job.

My front yard is looking AWESOME. My neighbor came over yesterday and cleaned up the beds. Now to decide what type of foliage and flowers will accentuate the greenness of my house, (which by the was is in desperate need of power washing. I have been advised that my children will be spending the summer with grandma. This is a surprise. I did want to spend some of my time with them this summer since I am planning to spend the Fall abroad.

Wish me luck, tomorrow I am going to ask a big favor. I'll let you know the details after the big meeting.