Saturday, May 21, 2005

I did the most radical thing yesterday...

I cut off almost all of my hair and dyed it.

I can't believe I did it. It is so different now. My fiance LOVES it, my parents haven't seen it yet. I am a little nervous about being in the public because it is such a dramatic change. So why did I do it? I wanted to be free...and a little rebellious. I think I have taken the DIVA thing to a whole different level. I'm not used to seeing some of my facial features in such great detail. I usually keep enough bangs to hide behind. Maybe it is time for me to stop hiding behind my hair and be outrageous. I am fierce I tell you, FIERCE!

In a way it makes me feel more mature looking. I'm not sure how I feel about my transformation. It is certainly going to take some getting used to. My new look has a kind of androgenous, punk rock feel to it. I want to feminize just a little bit. I may need to start wearing lipstick and earrings. (My hairstylist suggested that I get a tee shirt that says "I like guys!") Or maybe I won't. This could be fun. I had a perm before and it has been a long time since I have seen my natural hair and to be honest, it's not that bad. I am hoping that this change will help me to love myself just a bit more and feel more comfortable in my own skin. I want it to enhance my self esteem.

I heard Dr. Phil say something really cool yesterday. He was helping this family where the Mom was battling a serious drug addiction. She was resisting his help and in doing so she was saying some insulting things to Dr. Phil. I think she said, "I don't believe in what you do!" He said the most remarkable thing. He told the woman that what she said to him didn't bother him a bit because his self worth was not dependent on her acceptance. It made me think about some things. I had an epiphany. All my life, my self worth has been dependent on the acceptance of others. If someone said that I was a bitch, I internalized it and tried to alter my behavior to gain acceptance. No more. Today is a new day. And moving forward I have a new mantra:

I am who I am. I'm not at all bothered by your comments negative or otherwise because my self worth is not dependent on your acceptance. Once I have communicated my point of view in a pleasant manner,(of course and take your thoughts and feelings under careful consideration), if I still feel that I am being reasonable, I will no longer apologize for your lack of understanding. I refuse to change my personality to please you and if you don't like me, that's your problem and your just gonna have to deal with it!

...The DIVA

Disclaimer: My new mantra is meant to enhance the present values and belief systems currently in place. It will in no way effect the high quality of care that I consistently provide for patients. I will always respect the belief systems, values and feelings of others. The intent of my new life perspective is to protect me from people who treat me with a lack of respect. I will always stand up for what is right, and people are going to stop walking all over me. Personal growth makes the world a better place to live in.

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