I am off tonight. I needed a break. I just finished working four twelve hour clinical days in a row and I am so tired. My preceptor said that she sometimes works six 12 hour clinical days in a row so that she can have 8 days in a row off. I imagine that it is cool if you want to go on vacation or something. But by the fourth day you would probably snap someone's head off.
Since I brought up my preceptor, I might as well tell you about last night. When she came in she told me that at some point today she wanted to talk to me because she realized that the whole time I have been in the unit, she had only been telling me every thing that I am doing wrong. She said that there are a lot of things that I do right and that she should probably tell me. (You think so?) She has been riding me down all weekend. At one point I was seriously thinking about not going in, but like I said before, I can't let this bitch have the satisfaction of scaring me away from the clinical.
I was in the med room, gathering my 2000 meds when I heard the door open. My clinical instructor made a surprise visit. I have never been happier in my life to see one of the instructors from my own school. (Did I just say that?) Any who, she asked me how things were going and I told her about my heavy Saturday night. Just as I was beginning to tell her about my preceptor-student relationship, my preceptor walked in the door. I felt that the conversation was not appropriate at the time, so I figured that I would wait.
My preceptor started trying to explain why she was being so mean to me as if she were trying to cover herself. She started doing the same things that she does whenever she wants to challenge a doctor's order. Our ICU has residents that are still very young. They are probably no older than maybe 25. So she comes up and stands about six inches away from their faces. She tells them what she wants to do and gives a plausible medical rationale to defend her position. She continues to talk until the only alternative left is to agree with what she is saying. She makes statements that you have to respond to by saying yes. She never lets them have the last word. Ever. My clinical instructor could see what was going on. She kept telling me, (after she left,) to be assertive with what I need. Easier said than done.
I am not afraid to tell this lady how I feel. Anyone who reads this blog knows that whenever I tell people how I feel, I get in trouble. So I can't exactly do that. I have to be very careful. I am going to go back to the clinical site in two weeks for more hours. I will gauge things then, when I am not tired.
Happy Valentine's Day. My sweetie and I aren't having the best time right now. Nursing school has put serious strain on our relationship. We had a big argument this morning. We are avoiding the inevitable. Our relationship probably won't last for long. I am seriously considering taking a job and trying to make it for the next three months. I have already been through the worst part of nursing school. It isn't anyone's fault. We both contributed to this whole thing not working. Sometimes I feel like I am moving forward with my life, and he is standing still. I have changed so much since I have started going back to school. He is not always very encouraging. He doesn't like helping out around the house, and he is awful at managing finances. I think us going our separate ways is going to be the best thing. The funny thing is that throughout my twenties I was so afraid of being alone, and now since I have traveled abroad and learned about how far I can go if I get focused I am not afraid anymore. I would rather be happy and alone than with someone and miserable. Life is too short. I wish I had a better story to tell about this, but I don't.
Well, back to studies. I hope everyone else in cyberspace is having a great week.
DiVa...still trying to find her place in the universe