I am still doing goofy things.
I was taking care of a patient on Thursday. She was hooked up to a vent, but alert and oriented. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, that had spread to her lungs and gave her some serious breathing issues. It was my first real day of having two patients all day and I wanted to be confident and together. So I was a bit nervous.
My preceptor sent me into a room to hang IV meds and I was having a spot of trouble getting things together. I have a really bad habit of talking to myself audibly. Sometimes this dialogue is what helps me organize things in my mind and give myself that much needed encouragement. I said, "Ugh, I don't know what I am doing!" Lo and behold, the patient heard me. I had proceeded to do her care and she started freaking out. She was kicking and trying to make noise and I asked her what was wrong. She wrote a note to me that said "find onebody to hang medicine." I was like, "Huh?" So I said, "Do you want me to get my preceptor?" She said yes. So I sent her into the room and I went to go take care of my other patient. My preceptor came and told me that the patient did not want me taking care of her anymore because I said that I didn't know what I was doing. My feelings were a little hurt. I came in to stop her IV from beeping while my preceptor was at lunch and she freaked out again. I told her that I was just stopping the noise. I was assigned this patient the next day and she still remembered.
I guess I can't say that I don't blame her, I wouldn't want a nurse taking care of me if she didn't know what she were doing either. To my benefit, I only have 40 hours of senior practicum left. That is something to dance about. I met one of my really good friends yesterday for dinner and drinks. It was really good to see him. He was supposed to graduate with our class, but life happened and he had to take a few semesters off. I from experience, nursing school is tough. Especially at our school. There is no mercy. He told me that he was really proud of me for enduring the program with all of my difficulties. I find that it is really hard for me to look back at this accomplishment as something that I should be awestruck about. I want to be so amp'd about doing this great thing I have done, but I am really modest. That isn't very DiVa-like, I know but I don't want to be one of those type of people who are unapproachable and sort of arrogant and aloof. Case in point:
I ran into a nurse that was very influential in my becoming a nurse and it was interesting to say the least. She was driving a white convertible blasting Jay Z. She walked into the gas station and I knew it was her. She had on this flowing white poncho and a walk that could stop traffic. I said hello former nurse practitioner I knew from a while back.(I really didn't say all that, but I can't use her name.) And she said HI! (really loud!). I said, "Do you remember me?" and she said "Yes, I do!" (she really didn't, I bet a million people do this to her all the time.) She might have stopped for a few seconds, but the rest of the time she was talking and walking all around the store gathering items. I remember her having a really vibrant personality, but I don't recall all of the noise and activity and just anxious energy. I imagine that she heard what I said and everything, but I felt like there was huge distance, like I was the little person and she was the big-time RN. I wanted to thank her for inspiring me to try nursing, but all of this facade wouldn't allow me too. I couldn't bring myself to say it. I did manage to tell her that I will be graduating from nursing school in the coming month. She seemed impressed, and gave me a plug to try her area of nursing because "How depressing could it be to catch babies?" Well, I guess it can't be too depressing as long as they are born alive.
I could see that nursing has done her well. She has all the trappings of a person who has financial security and she seems to be happy with her career choice. I want the same things for myself someday, but I don't want to be aloof. I am sure I will find some way to balance my confidence so that it doesn't come across as arrogance. Most importantly, I want to be supportive to other people who are coming along my path. If you need a friend or someone to support you and give you a few words of encouragement, I am here. If you want to ask me a question about nursing school and how I did it, I will tell you. I am opening this blog for Q and A. If you post a question in the comments I will answer it.
Anyway, back to my paper and presentations. I hope everyone who reads this has a great week.
DiVa...can't wait until graduation.