Sunday, April 16, 2006

The DiVa has returned...

I had to take a week or two off. You see, my grandmother passed away. It was not really a huge surprise as my grandmother had been sick for a while. She was the most awesome person in the whole world. She was greatly admired by many people. My grandmother has and will continue to be greatly missed.

We had to take a long drive to the West coast for her funeral because no one had enough money for a plane ticket. I will assure you, that is too long to be in the car with anyone. My parents have been married now for over 30 years. My father has never been involved in the lives of myself and my younger siblings. I sympathize with the fact that he had to provide for all of us, but we still lived in deplorable living conditions. I never had fancy things like my other friends, but I never made a big deal of it because my Grandmother explained to me that it was a part of the sacrifice of being the big sister. My grandmother was a huge source of inspiration in my life. She was my best friend, and when I was 14 years old she moved away. My life would never be the same.

On the road trip, my father made it pretty clear that he has no respect for my mother, and no respect for me and my other siblings. He has always had the money to provide for our family, but chose not to because we didn't do this great "thing" he wanted us to do with the so called family business. I never wanted to be a part of the family business. This was one of the big factors that made me decide to go to school and get my own legacy. My father owns property that some of my brothers and sisters believe will be left to them as a sort of inheritance. I realized a long time ago that either 1) There was no inheritance or 2) If there is one, I won't be getting it. I know that it may sound shallow, but we all believed in this grand story that my father told us about not having to work and living off of the family business. He refused to help me or any of the others get through college. One of my brothers joined the marines as a result. The rest of my siblings have just gone on with their lives. My father can't seem to understand that his presence was needed during our childhood. The whole way down to the west coast, he bitched and moaned about how unappreciated he feels. And the way back home he made condescending remarks about my mother until I decided to tell him enough was enough. Then he had the nerve to threaten to cause physical harm to me because I told him that he should have to pay my mother alimony if they split up. He said she doesn't deserve anything. I wish I could have broke both of his legs.

How do you put that kind of emotional strain on a woman who just lost her mother? It was already a difficult trip because one of my aunts has multiple life insurance policies on my grandmother and it is believed that these policies will be the way that she will buy her new Mercedes Benz. Another of my aunts were threatening to tell everyone where to get off because she felt that she was the only one who cared for my Grandmother. One of my uncles has health problems and the whole family is worried that the strain of my grandmother's death in combination with his crazy teenage children could be too much for his poor heart to bear. I could go on but it is just exhausting. I thought there was going to be a huge fight, but my grandmother's spirit kept everyone in check.

This has been a difficult year for the DiVa. Last fall my godmother died while I traveled abroad, and now my grandmother. Two of my aunts died of cancer in the past year and all while I am trying to finish school. I have wanted to quit so many times, but I can't let them down. These women were powerful influences in my life. In their honor I must find the strength to go on. It is so hard, because every time I hear someone a praise and worship song I feel myself getting misty. I am so behind on my hours for senior practicum. I wanted to be done by now.

DiVa,...Just holding on

1 comment:

overactive-imagination said...

Keep holding on and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Do it for those women who you've lost and loved deeply.
Shame on your father for making this about him, this certainly was not the time for him to expect appreciation.
I wish you all the best.
Dawn