I try my best not to write doom and gloom, doom and gloom. It is very difficult to accomplish this as a new nurse. The old adage "Nurses eat their young" is true. Some more than others, but they all eat their young. As always I share the good and the bad, it just happens that right now all I have is bad. Sorry!
I felt like I had become the office gossip, ya know, regarding my mistakes and all so I was proactive and called a meeting with my big bosses and the nurse specialist over our area. Perhaps it seems a bit extreme, but I felt that if my actions were reckless and had a potential to harm patients that I should be the first to acknowledge a learning deficit. Before all that I spoke to the wonderful nurse who oriented me. She was insightful, but it is obvious that she feels no responsibility for any of my "problems" post-orientation. And so she shouldn't. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes the same mistake, just different scenarios. I swear these oversights are not intentional.
Speaking to the big bosses was very interesting. Based on the complaints, I knew exactly who came forward about me. I always had a sneaking suspicion about a few of my co-workers. I am mostly disappointed that instead of guiding me in the right direction, that they would automatically go the manager and report me, but not before discussing my actions among themselves and casting strange looks in my direction. In listening to my errors, none of them caused any serious harm. It was the "But what if?" In their defense, I take offense to criticism about my performance, especially if someone is questioning my skills as a nurse. Even though I feel that the intervention is supposed to be helpful, I can't help but feel that it is somewhat punitive. Whatever...
So now what do I do? Pretend like I enjoy going to work when clearly, I hate going in because now I have everyone, (even the other new nurses who were in orientation the same time as me), watching me? The last time that I went to work, I was so freaked out I performed my post surgical count so many times I scared the doctors. (That was not my intention, but God forbid another bad report come back on me or worse yet a sponge...I won't even go there.) I have a promise from a very senior nurse that she will help me get through this, I hope that she can, because right now I don't feel very confident.
Thanksgiving was great. I probably gained back a few of those pounds that I lost. We had plenty of turkey. I did alot of baking this holiday and everything came out perfect. I made this chocolate cake with vanilla icing that everyone ate before my brother had a chance to get any. And my little niece loved my macaroni and cheese. I realized that this whole problem with work doesn't mean I can't do anything right. And it was very nice to have the support of my family. It made me feel alot better.
We have a new puppy. He is a Yorkshire terrier. We are still trying to name our little guy. We were thinking on maybe Baxter, or Santana or maybe even Mosley. I kind of liked Diesel, but what do I know? He is adorable. And so smart. Right now our big challenge is potty training the little guy. I am realizing that this whole puppy business is just like having a new baby in the house. My cat doesn't appreciate the little guy, but he is slowly warming up. He has his days and nights mixed up. Right now, he is on my night shift schedule. And that kind of works! For me anyway.
The children are fine, the house is still a mess. And I feel like I am missing out on everything. Working nights has me sleeping all day and working all night. I think I like working 8 hour nights shifts as opposed to 12 hours night shifts. And then with all the added stress of work, I have no patience for my children. I really need to work on that. Alright, time to pay bills and wash uniforms for another night of birthin' babies!
DiVa...In the valley of her nursing inexperience but will emerge a NurseDiVa before giving up!