Monday, December 31, 2007

Momma needs a break...

Over the holidays, I had my nieces and my kids at the house. My nieces were sick as hell and now who has an itchy throat just in time to go back to school? Yeah, it's me. Today I am awake early. During this whole break from school I have been either cleaning this house or entertaining children. I am about to get my ass out of bed and make a pot of chocolate velvet coffee. Then I have to go downtown to get my children's birth certificates, (why couldn't I have birthed my children in the suburbs?), after that I guess I will visit some people provided that I still feel well. My kids have been so bored. So I guess I'll let them spend the holiday with the in-laws.

DiVa...Time to get motivated!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Seasons Greetings!

Xmas has been crazy at my house. The kids were happy with their gifts and I enjoyed my family but I am tired as hell! They were all at my 712 square foot house. Since I don't have the opportunity to clean my house when school is in session, I try to clean my house during breaks. Mind you, my house hasn't been seriously cleaned since 2004 so there are still alot of things that need to be done. Cabinets and closets need to be cleaned, drawers need to be organized. Oh and we can't forget that my daughter's father is getting ready to move out for good! Yes, the administrative decision has been passed down and that no good bastard is supposed to be leaving on January 19th. That works out just fine because my last intensive course is on January 19th. I am debating on whether or not I will allow him to take a vehicle with him. I am leaning towards no because I don't feel like dealing with the drama that ensues when he misses a payment.

I am trying to figure out some arrangements for my children. I know that I won't have coverage for my children either before school or after school. Hell maybe even before and after school! So I plan on getting each one of them cell phones. I will get them ready for school and leave for clinical. Then when it is time for each of them to leave, I will call them on their respective cell phones and give them directions. I might even set their book bags on the front porch the night before so they don't forget them. They will both need house keys. I got a crock pot for Christmas so dinner is out of the way. I also have a coffeemaker coming so I can make plenty of Cuban Coffee! I've been told that anything is possible with Cafe Cubano so I am going to try it out. I am planning to start my new job soon. I am almost excited at the challenge of being able to do this on my own. It has become clearer with each passing day that my live-in jackass has been no help at all.

He threw away the kids birth certificates. Now I have to go downtown and get another copy which will cost me at least $40. I don't have the money to buy new birth certificates, but not only do I need that, I need a copy of their social security cards and shot records. I could kill him. You can't trust a man to clean. I know that now. I unpacked box after box of worthless papers and sales ads mixed with my important papers, shoes, crayons, toys and used tissues. It took almost a week to get things somewhat organized and I am still not even close to done. My downstairs is filled with laundry. I feel like just throwing the clothes away and starting all over. I asked this idiot to clean one room. It was clear that he really didn't care to clean up at all and he did a piss poor job. He has lost all respect for me.

He overflowed the toilet and left the mess in the bathroom for me to clean. But to his surprise, I told him to get in there and clean that mess up. He knew he was wrong and it wasn't the first time. One day he threw up and left it. I told him to clean it because he would never leave vomit on the floor for his mother to clean. He tried to act like it was just a little food on the floor. He knew better, and I know Ms. Linda raised him better than that, of course then again I don't know...? He cooked meals in my kitchen and refused to clean up after himself. I wish he would leave now. I can't even look at him without wanting to kill him. If he continues to not take his medication as prescribed he will certainly die on his own. He has been complaining of the worst headache of his life lately. He says he only takes his medication during the week as it saves him on refills. I won't bother to reiterate the concept of rebound hypertension, (he thinks I sent in box tops for my nursing degree). I took him to the hospital the first time, the next time, when I find his collapsed body in the floor I'll call the ambulance.

Aww, enough about that jerk. I am really happy about the changes that have happened in my life this past year. I conquered a job, was awarded a fellowship, conquered a few courses and regained control of my household. No small feat if I do say so myself. I will return in a few days to plot out goals for next year. Next stop, 2008!

DiVa...Trying not to choke this house full of kids undoing all my hard work!

Friday, December 14, 2007

One semester down, many to go...

It is the end of the semester I never imagined that I would get through it but I did. I took my last final on Wednesday. I got my first "A" in physiology. I ended up with a "C" in physio as my final grade and I was only 2 percentage points away from a "B" as an overall grade. Impressive considering that I started out the semester with a 63%! I got A's in all of my remaining classes. Overall, I ended the semester with a 3.11 GPA. Amazing! I am well on my way to being Dr. DiVa...

Today we went out to eat and came home to find the front door standing wide open. Luckily, all of our belongings were still here. Before we left the house, I asked if the front door had been secured. I was assured that it was locked by my daughter. What I found out later was that after she had locked the door, but my son took the dog out for a walk and hadn't closed the door all the way. She took responsibility for the whole incident. The bastard (my fob) went ape shit! He got out of the car and ran around to the front door and went into the house looking for an intruder. He proceeded to walk around the house yelling like a crazy man. It was almost scary!

My daughter, my son and I unlocked the back door and entered the house. When we got in the house, the FOB laid into my 8 year old daughter and she threw herself across my bed sobbing uncontrollably. I asked him to speak to her calmly and he refused, claiming that she deserved to be yelled at and that he needed to make sure that no one was hiding in the house. Praise be to God, nothing was missing and no one was in the house waiting to kill us. I sat the kids down explaining to them the importance of making sure the door is locked before we leave. I went on to tell them that while I would have been upset if our nice things had been stolen, the nice things that we have are only material things. The most valuable thing that we have is each other because everything else can be replaced. My daughter is still crushed and her has father still said nothing. He is such an asshole. He had no right to be mad at her because he was the last person out of the house. He was the one that refused to go back and check the front door.

He is also the reason that our toilet had to be replaced this week. If he had repaired the bathroom door properly the first time, the door knob never would have fallen off and into the flushing toilet where it obstructed our sewer system. If he had paid the car note like he was supposed to, it never would have been behind and we never would have had to try and refinance the loan so we wouldn't have to pay three car notes at once. I wish he would go ahead and leave now because when I remember how I got played I want him to have a stroke. I probably won't have to wish that because he hasn't been taking his medication and he still hasn't had that tumor checked. I can't understand how a man could be so thoughtless. As my advisor said the first time I talked to her about my problems at home, I don't have time to worry about his insecurities. I am busy as hell trying to become Dr. DiVa.

I had to quit seeing my personal trainer, mainly because my refrigerator broke and I had no way to store food. And since the moratorium of fast food is part of my plan to get healthy, she said that I should use my money to get the refrigerator fixed and resume personal training when I got everything straightened out at home. I miss working out. I was supposed to continue working out on my own, but without my commitment to meet with her, I felt no obligation to do so. I got so busy with school there was just no time. Then there were finals. Unfortunately, fitness is not something that can wait until I am finished with school. So I have to make time somehow...or pay her to police me!

I talked to my best friend from high school today and she told me that she had a miscarriage. I realized that I too am getting older and there may be a very real possibility that I may never have any more children. I mean, I don't think that I want to have a baby at this moment because I am in over my head and in a loveless relationship, but someday I think I'd like to have a baby with a man who loves me and is excited about having a family. I shouldn't give a damn about another baby. I don't understand why this is something that bothers me, but it is bugging the hell out of me. If I focus on school, everything will fall into place I'm sure.

Next semester I start clinical. This is so exciting. I washed my lab coat but I need to wash it again and iron it so that it will be crisp for my first day of clinical. I bought a PDA so I wouldn't have to carry 101 reference books to clinical. The only thing I have left to do is get my books, purchase health insurance, call in the results of my TB test and get ready to start my new job. I am going to be so busy, I really won't have time for the jerk in my house.

DiVa...still impressed over how I turned the semester around!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Thank Jesus they're gone!

This morning I woke up with her standing over me. It was 0647 and my alarm was ringing. She said, "Your alarm clock has been going off for about 10 minutes." I said, "It has only been 2 minutes...tops." (This was not intentional. I wake up at that time to get the kids ready for school.) I turned off the alarm and laid in bed for about 10 or so minutes thinking of a way to get this bitch out of my house without having to fight her. She must have known that her welcome was worn out. I hear my cordless phone dialing. Yes, she is making plans. I got up to go the bathroom and then sat at my little bistro table. I asked her what her plans were for the day. She and I talked about miscellaneous things for about an hour. Mainly, she was crying about having to spend the night in jail because she was out at Kmart shoplifting and got caught. She missed her court date for the incident and her nephew was trying to make sure that bench warrant was activated. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime!

Then at around 8am I say something clever like, "Look, today I need my house to myself. I have studying to do and I need to prepare my household for the coming week. I cannot watch your children and do all the things I need to do. Furthermore, I am not working right now and I cannot afford to feed your children. I have no gas in my car and next week is Thanksgiving. You need to be out at minimum by noon. You may use the phone to make any arrangements that you need to make and I am willing to drop you off where ever you need to go, but you and the kids need to go, TODAY." Like clockwork, this bitch woke up her children, combed her daughter's hair (which looked like a treasure troll), put her wig on and was ready to go by 0830. This bitch had somewhere else to go the whole time. I feel like such a gump. Here I was trying to help her get her shit together, find a new place since she got evicted, etc...and she could have BEEN gone.

I watched every one of those kids get ready to leave, making sure that they took only what was theirs. They all piled into the car and I took them to the projects, where she wanted to be dropped off. She walked up to the buzzer, rang once and then motioned for her kids. They all piled out of my car. They said thank you and goodbye like they were truly grateful. I peeled out of the parking lot and returned home to see my son sleeping peacefully in my bed. I go to the kids room and it smells like "stinky vagina" in there, and the weird thing is that there were only boys in the room. I stripped their beds, washed down the walls and laundered their bed linen. I scrubbed the bathroom down too because it was smelling like "open ass" even with no one in there. Thank God I only used plastic utensils, plates and bowls. I threw all that stuff away. It still feels funky in here. I don't think I'll miss them at all. I certainly won't miss the smell of her wine black & milds in the morning. She just called to ask about some of the houses we looked at this weekend. (Cringe!) I hope she leaves me alone for a while.

DiVa...Must learn how to set boundaries.

By the way, I lost 6 pounds last week. I can't believe it and my personal trainer is the BOMB!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Why is this heffa in my house?

Friday afternoon, there was a knock at my door. It was one of my cousin's six kids. She says, "My mother wants to know if she can come in and talk to you." I say yes. Why did I do that? It was a trick. I am in the middle of her dumb ass drama yet again. Her visit was with purpose. First she pretended like she wanted to know why I cut her and her side of the family off. Her brother and sister hustled me for $40 because she was in jail for some "unknown" reason. Unbeknownst to me, my uncle wired her bond money. So whatever they got from unsuspecting donors (such as myself) was all profit. This was no surprise to me because I had a feeling that something was fishy. Never again.

So basically, the situation going on right now is that her nephew (20 years old) had no where to live. His own father wouldn't let him stay with him, so my cousin brought him into her home. She let him stay there, and put her car in his name since it wouldn't pass the emissions test for our state. He (the nephew) got mad because he didn't like the dude she (my cousin) was dating and threatened to cause bodily harm. My cousin feels like she can date who she wants to and so she asked him (the nephew) to leave. As it turns out, her trouble that she needed bond money for is unresolved, thus she has a warrant for her arrest. Since she asked him to leave he has been fighting her children and he calls the police to come and pick my cousin up every time she goes home. And the cops are so stupid, they actually show up!

What does all this have to do with me? They had no where to stay and so she asked if she could crash at my place for one night until she could get into a battered women's shelter. I suggested a battered women's shelter because I didn't want to see her in jail for the weekend and I didn't want to be responsible for her kids. She really didn't want to go to the battered women's shelter. One day has turned into two. My house is 712 square feet and I have 10 people here. They have got to go. I have a life and responsibilities. I have been feeding them, washing their clothes, cleaning up after daughter said the hell with this called her Dad and left. My son just got off the phone with his Dad. I wanna go somewhere too! I have my own problems such as school, finances, etc... I am dealing with my problems and I am not trying to hook other people into my drama. This is what I get for trying to be nice.

There are five kids in my house. The one that is 14 years old and weighs 400 pounds clogged up my toilet and wet the floor so bad that my basement ceiling was leaking.(I can only imagine what kind of TURD that was!) He was standing there like a dumb ass watching the toilet overflow! The 5 year old whines and whines and whines. I want to beat that kid so bad! The 8 year old is and animal lover (think Elmira from tiny toon adventures). My animals stay in hiding when she comes around. This is the goofiest 8 year old ever as she is constantly getting into things. All I hear is KaBoom, KaBoom, KaBoom when she is in the living room by herself. The 13 year old is on the computer doing God knows what til all hours of the night but she isn't bothering me...except when I thought I heard her asking about downloading something. I just had to completely erase my laptop and reformat it because of a virus or something and I did the same thing a few years ago with the desktop. When I said something, she had the nerve to get smart! The 10 year old is hard-headed. He is constantly walking around and walking around. He just annoys me in general.

They all stayed up until almost 4am last night and then they woke up early as hell. They all get into things. They are all bored as hell in my house. So then they break things, yes even the 14 year old. I wanted to listen to my physiology lectures, but then she (the heffa) asked me if she could help me. I told her to control her damn kids. I am putting my foot down, tomorrow she absolutely has to leave. I can't take their shit any more! One of 'em gots jokes. The 400 pound one said he clogged the toilet again, that's it...they gotta go first thing tomorrow morning. They don't even get breakfast!

DiVa...about ready to call the damn police herself and drop the kids off to the crazy azz nephew. (Or the transvestite uncle!)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Be careful with oven cleaner!

I was cleaning my oven today and gave myself a chemical burn. I read the directions on the can and thought, I could probably do it without gloves. I was wringing out my dishrag and noticed that my arm was itching and tingling a bit. I looked at my arm and noticed that I had a couple little blisters. I was like "shit!" I washed my arms with dishwashing liquid. I don't even remember getting it on my arm. I was able to stop the advancement of the burn, but I still have a few dots of second degree burns. I hadn't realized that oven cleaner was that caustic!

Welcome to Graduate School
My narrow escape of Academic Probation

School is going much better. I have been doing assignment after assignment and am exhausted. Last week was probably the busiest week of all. I have turned my physiology grade around tremendously. To my amazement, I might have the chance to get a "B" and at this point I would have to get a 54% on the final to fail. That doesn't mean I am going to relax. The final covers three to four different subjects. Preparation for the test requires me to spend at least 12 hours a week outside of the four hour lecture. So that's like a total of 16+ hours.

Then I had a huge presentation that I had to do for my health promotion class. I had to talk to adolescent boys about puberty. I was a little nervous talking about erections and such, so at the last minute I changed my presentation to discuss all changes except reproduction. The boys were pretty attentive during my presentation. And their questions were pretty good ones. For the most part. I hadn't anticipated that the boys were so concerned about nutrition and flatulence. I would have included more information. This health promotion class is probably one of the BEST classes I have taken this semester. The assignments required us to assess our own health habits. I am very lazy and I have an awful diet. I decided to make some changes. I am now on a diet and have hired a personal trainer.

What's up with me...

This personal trainer is pretty good and affordable. She's a little cooky, but I like her. She has spent alot of time helping me get my crap together, I never realized that I was so un-together. At first she wanted me to follow the Beck Diet Solution. But after talking to me and assessing my current living situation, she realized that I am not ready for the Beck Diet. I have to resolve the chaos in my house before I can resolve the chaos in my body. So we meet twice a week at 5am for exercise and counseling. And then one day a week I work out independently on exercise equipment that she can monitor my progress. I would say that she is more of a life coach than a personal trainer. In a way I feel like she is mothering me. It is cool, I need the discipline. I want to stop the chaos in my life.

So we work out and talk about my housekeeping, my eating habits, my defunct love-life and my children. With each work-out, there is a housekeeping assignment. For example, this past Saturday, we worked on the kitchen. I worked out on the equipment and then went home and cleaned out the refrigerator. Then my assignment for Sunday was to re-arrange my cabinets and wash all the dishes. Today, I worked out in the pool and cleaned my stove. I love it. She is helping me to find order. Another big task is to eliminate fast food. I really like fast food, and it is convenient. But I have a goal to lose a huge amount of weight. At first, I wanted to lose 30 pounds a year for the next 3 years. She said that was not aggressive enough, so now I have to lose 20 pounds by January 1st. This is going to be hard as hell since Thanksgiving and Christmas are HUGE food holidays for my family. I hope I like her once the work-outs start to get SERIOUS.

Alright, I should probably get some sleep for tomorrow. I have class at 0830. I really miss visiting my blog. I will be stopping by more often...

DiVa...Only one more month left before the end of the semester!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I got an A! I think I've found my element...

Yesterday, I turned in my focused exam and I was a bit nervous. The focused exam is kind of like a little report that the doctor/practitioner does when you come in with a complaint. This particular patient had a skin problem. I decided to make it something not so complex because I realize that I don't have the knowledge base to make serious diagnoses yet. This time I sent my paper to the professor ahead of time for some feedback. I received the feedback just before it was due and luckily it only had a few things that needed to be amended. I made the changes and gave the paper to the professor. I said a little prayer because I know who's really in charge. So I went on with the rest of my day.

Yesterday was my day to do my very first female examination. I have had a gynecological exam many times before so I had an idea what was involved. And since I have been an L&D nurse for the past year, I wasn't very uncomfortable touching another women's vagina. (I know that probably sounds weird!) My biggest concern was making sure that I wasn't hurting the model and that my clinical presence was totally professional. The model was so professional. She was educated and understood her anatomy very well. She told us everything we needed to know about how to teach patients as we were performing the exam, how to re-assure a patient it was an amazing experience. She gave us feedback on how we did afterwards, which I thought was a little strange since it was our first time. I received outstanding scores in all areas. I was surprised, well only a little but because I am a DiVa after all!

This morning, when I checked my grade for the focused exam, I found that I had a 99%! I earned that grade this semester. My confidence has returned. My concentration is family practice nursing, but I am finding that I am very strong in women's health, which was what brought me to nursing school to begin with. Maybe I need to think about changing my major. Not, poorness has taught me to be a jack of all trades and master of none. I may double major in women's health. If I decide to deliver babies (add midwivery to women's health) that will have to happen later, mainly because it would add an entire year to my studies.

Right now I am working on a presentation for my health promotion class. I chose to do my presentation on the DASH diet. I had never heard of the DASH diet before, but it is a diet that was designed by the National Institute of Health for persons with high blood pressure. It is supposed to encourage patients to reduce sodium and increase fiber, potassium, magnesium and calcium. It is actually a really good diet. I am planning to try it when I get organized.

DiVa ...Almost caught up!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I have never been more happy to have a C!

I finally got a "C" high enough to get me out of failing. If I hadn't changed one of my answers I probably would have gotten a B because I have a 79%! I know that someone is going to challenge a question or two so I am claiming a B. By my calculations, I need to get a 69% on the next two tests to get a C as a final grade. Or an 89% on the next two tests for a B. An A at this point is beyond the realm of possibility. Whatever I have going I will have to keep it up.

The one thing I did different with this test is that I joined another student for study. We met almost everyday last week to listen to recorded lectures and take practice tests. We paid a tutor $80 for four hours of review. When I wasn't at school listening to the lectures with my study buddy I was at home listening. Oh, and I spent the night at school the night before the test preparing my cheat sheet. Our instructor allows us to use a 8 x 11.5 piece of paper to assist us during the test. My sheet had 8 font, but there were some who used 4 font and reading glasses. I wasn't that desperate, but maybe next time.

Spending the night on campus was a really good idea. I didn't have to fight rush hour traffic to get to the test. I feel so much better now. I am not going to wait to get started on this next exam. I also had a meeting with the other instructor whose test I failed and she decided to give me a second chance to attempt the exam. I am so glad they understand that I need a little extra help getting adjusted. I guess it is better to share your frustration than to suffer in silence. In all honesty, I did need a little extra help, especially since I got surprised with this full scholarship and had to quit my job and then my nephew died. In the spam of two weeks my life was turned upside down. It seems that everyone is doing everything in their power to help me be successful. Now I need to hold up to my end of the agreement. Can you believe it, in another year I will be a nurse practitioner! And then a year later Dr. DiVa! I am so amp'd!

DiVa...Dr. DiVa if you're nasty!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Here I go again...

I failed another test. Getting pretty good at it I must say. I studied my butt off, and still nothing. I am not giving up. I am forging onward because I am destined to be a nurse practitioner. That's all there is to it. Amazingly, I am not too far behind on my assignments. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The powers that be are determining my fate as I type. I should probably be worried, but that isn't going to help so screw it. Well, I need to get back to my advance nursing skills studies, wish me luck!

DiVa...without words! (For a change.)

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Finding my rhythm...

First off I want to say a huge thank you to all of you that stop by and visit. Overactive, Vixen and Steve, you guys are my cheerleaders. Thanks for being there. CocoaDawn, thank you for stopping by! I appreciate your compliments words of encouragement. I do this whole blog thing for people like you. When I first decided to return to school, there were no blogs like mine. And it is for people like you that I continue to blog, even today.

The Goods
I have still been fooling around with my daughter's father. I'll admit it, I don't think I can make it without his assistance. It lightens the financial load, that is when he pays the bills he is supposed to pay. Furthermore, I really can't rely on help from my family with my kids. So essentially, I think I do need him a little. But I realized recently that he is truly an a**hole. I felt sorry for him when he had his recent hospitalization and I let him back into my life. I know, I am stupid for continuing to let him back into my life but this is a lesson that I have to learn by busting my butt a few times. Lately, I realized that my self-esteem must be terribly low. I let him talk to me like I am worthless. He does absolutely nothing to help around the house and he swears that he has no money, when I know he does. We have no physical relationship at all, which for some might be okay, but the DiVa has NEEDS! And since I have returned to school he has gotten worse. I think that he thinks that once I become Dr. DiVa he will be living the good life. I gotta nip that in the bud, immediately. Even if that means that I have to get a job.

At first I thought that he was punishing me because he is sick and I am in good health. Not my fault, I warned his dumb ass about his obesity and blatant disregard for physical activity. As of late I am continually warning him to seek medical advice about this tumor on his brain. I guess he is waiting for it to metastasize or something. I told him that I was going to get a lover and he said he didn't care. Last weekend I went on a overnight trip with my ex and the kids and he didn't seem to care. I asked him to leave, but he refuses. Why on earth would a guy want to stay in a situation like that? The kids could care less if he is here or not. I told him what the ground rules would be if I left and he said I was a bitch. Why is it when a woman sets boundaries, she is being a bitch? I can't stand the sight of him. I am thinking of something legal to get him out of my house, more importantly, I need to figure out a way to keep him out of my life, except for being responsible for his daughter.

School is going okay. I need to find a way to correct my habit of chronic tardiness. I can't help it, I am late. Everywhere I go, I am late. I will probably be late to my own funeral. Despite that, my self discipline seems to be improving. I finished my assignment yesterday and it is due on Monday. As I was working on my focused exam, I realized that someday in the near future, I will be assessing patients and prescribing medications. I will be creating assignments for students, grading papers and acting as a clinical leader. I really need to get my stuff in order. Dr. DiVA cannot be late. Dr. DiVa should be organized. Dr. DiVa don't need to be relying on no man for nothing. Bishop T.D. Jakes was talking about the rhythm of being a woman today. And what he said was true.

As women, we have a natural rhythm that we maintain. It kind of reminds me of juggling how we have to manage our finances, keep the house reasonably clean, be a support system to the kids, and be the star student/employee all at the same time. This situation with my dude is a challenge. I have to prove to myself that I can do it without him. I've got a rhythm to maintain. He isn't doing anything anyway and he is NOT my husband. He is messing up my flow!

Well, I am supposed to be getting ready to take my family out to dinner for my son's birthday. Yes, I am now the proud parent of a teenager. My mother bought him an I-pod Nano for his birthday. I am still pissed off about the cell phone, so there are definitely going to be some rules about the I-pod.

The future Dr. DiVa...maybe if I think of myself as a doctor, I will be motivated to do the right thing!

P.S. If you want to email me feel

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I flunked my first test

I once told someone it's okay to fail a test. That failing a test is liberating. I am not feeling so free right now. This has been the week from hell. My best friend's son had a seizure that resulted in his death. He was only 21 years old. That is too young. He was such a sweet kid. He did not deserve that. My son was very close to him and he was devastated. It is very difficult to attend a funeral of a young person. I absolutely hated that experience.

My focus has been off. I cannot get into student mode. I was trying my best to separate from my employer, get my finances in order and manage my crazy life and I am having one hell of a hard time. I feel like crap. DiVA...a failure? This cannot be. In the history of my adult studenthood this is probably the second time I failed a test, that is not counting math tests which I have a tendency to fail because of my math anxiety. My personal life is in shambles. I won't go into details about it but I just feel like an awful human being. The house is a mess. I would cry, but what is the point of that?

Right now I need to make some decisions about what I am going to do. Am I going to make this school thing work? Or will I return to the world of floor nursing?


Sunday, September 16, 2007

Having a roadblock

I am feeling so unmotivated. At first when I started preparing for my graduate studies I had so much energy. Then all of a sudden, I realized that I am so far behind. I haven't been to school in a year. I have been on night shift for at least a year. Transitioning is a bitch.

I think I am finally on day hours, but I feel sleepy at around 9-10pm. This is my prime time study hours. I wake up at around 5-6 am, then I get the kids ready and then boom I am sleepy all over again. Unless I have class. I drink a white mocha and then I am on auto pilot until around 2-3. I have so much reading to do. My eyes start to swim after about 30 minutes and then the next thing I know, I am out.

One plus is that I am going to school with other women who are my age. They have children and many of them work. I had a job interview last week and I think it went pretty good. I will be a labor and delivery nurse again, working one day a week. That wont probably start until January. I am giving myself plenty of time to adjust.

I have a few assignments to get started on. I owe a health history tomorrow. It needs to be typed. Then I have my first big exam on Wednesday. I can take a cheat sheet, so I don't feel so bad. And then I have a few things to do for my health promotion class. I have a health promotion seminar that I have to create that is due in a few weeks. I have to create a presentation that can be taught over 2-3 hours. I wonder what I am going to promote? I guess I'll come up with something.

Back to the drawing board...

DiVa...too blessed to be stressed!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A new

I am trying my best to transition into my new life as a student. I am starting out behind due to the fact that I am still finishing the work schedule before starting school. I refused to leave my present employer on bad terms. They will still have crappy things to say about me. That is the type of women they are, only thing is, I don't have to put up with their crap anymore. And that's a good thing because I don't have time for foolishness. As a gift to myself, I bought a notebook computer. Now the kids will have the living room computer to themselves and I don't have to worry about them deleting my important papers.

To begin with, I am taking nine credit hours. Doesn't sound too bad to begin with, but I am looking at the syllabi. My first test is within the next two weeks. Then there are those little miscellaneous projects. Once I am finished with work, I think my focus will be better. I am looking for before and after school help with childcare which is running almost 200 dollars per week. That was an unexpected expense. My kids are relatively good kids, they argue alot and that alone is justification for supervision.

Speaking of the kids, my son came home from school today and said he took a test. He finished the test at top speed and the teacher called him up to her desk. As it turns out, seventh grade language arts isn't challenging enough so they are promoting him to eighth grade language arts. In the past, the schools have been giving me a pretty hard time about my son's behavior. They wanted to label him with ADHD and severe behavior disorders when all along I have been telling them that he is BORED, and nothing else. My daughter is more motivated than ever to become an attorney. At age 8 she already knows what she wants to do and how she's going to get there. I am going to attempt to teach the kids how to be more organized. We are all getting day planners.

I received a phone call today about a PRN job at a hospital that is conveniently located closer to home and school. The lady called to schedule a phone interview. It was right at the time that the kids got home from school, so the dog was barking, everyone had short it was a bad time to schedule anything. The interviewer's schedule and mine were in total conflict, but I finally agreed to a time that should work. Then the receptionist felt she needed to school me on the etiquette on phone interviews. She said, "Be prepared to receive a call at 1030, not 1035. Have your resume in front of you and any questions that you might have for the interviewer. Try not to have any distractions, such as children or barking dogs. Let me give you my number in case you have scheduling issues..." I was so insulted. I apologized and she stated, "Your noisy house doesn't bother me at all, it would just be very distracting to have all that going on during an interview." Whateva, bitch. Does she really think I am that stupid? Well, time to get the kids stuff together for school.

DiVa...Professional nursing student, Mom first!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Back to School

This week I spent most of my time and money getting my kids ready for school. I won't say how much money I spent, but I am broke as hell. Who could have thought that crayons and notebooks and other miscellaneous crap, (that the schools will be asking for more of by December), could cost so much money? Oh well, my kids don't need to ask me for nothing else for a very, very long time. Besides, they aren't the only ones returning to school. I am too.

The DiVa is returning to school to finish her master's degree and eventually my PhD full time. This semester I am registered for 9 credit hours. Thank God I don't have to work. That's right, I don't have to work. My former university loves me so much, they are paying my entire tuition, books, miscellaneous fees and they are giving me a monthly stipend for my living expenses. This is a huge blessing. I have to take back everything negative I ever said about my school. They believe in me, even though they have the strangest ways of showing it. NurseDiVa, the professional scholar.

So in order to accomplish all this, I had to quit my job. Just as I started to really know what I am doing, I am leaving. I have mixed emotions about leaving the job, mainly because I feel I am losing my sense of security. There is something about relying on someone else for financial security that just makes me cringe. Secondly, I kind of feel like I gave up. Well, I didn't give up I got a better offer. I also take issue with the concept of becoming an advanced practice nurse with only one year of nursing experience. I will find something PRN to keep me busy in the meantime, but I can't imagine working more than 5 days a month. Mainly because I will need to have time to spend with my children.

I am just beaming with joy and pride that I didn't let this crazy job beat me. I still have another week to work until I start classes, but everyone knows that I am leaving. I will actually miss the job. I am also worried that the patients who are mainly minorities are losing one of their best advocates. I imagine that someone else will come along and take care of them, but I still worry a little. My mother is so ecstatic. She has called everyone in the family and told them I am going back to school. I am excited to have a life again. If school is the only thing I have to do, I might actually get to have a life with friends and family. More importantly, I have some huge shoes to fill. Right now, I have a lot of people looking up to me that will kill me if I let them down. They have nothing to worry about, I am going to be the best damned nurse practitioner/educator ever!

The future Dr. NurseDiVa...sort of has a ring to it, don't ya think?

Monday, August 20, 2007

Today is my puppy's birthday...

He is one year old today. I can't believe he made it. I never had a pet as a kid. Only a goldfish and of course goldfish don't require a whole lot. I must say, having a puppy is like bringing a new baby home. He still isn't potty trained. But in October, he will get it together because I will have the time to teach him.

I want to give him a little party. There is a pet store where we live that makes puppy cakes, maybe I'll buy him one of those. And the kids can make him a nice dinner of Purina one and mighty dog beef dinner. It should be pretty fun. Maybe I'll invite the neighbor kids and put some hot dogs on the grill. I am so excited!

DiVa...Now why does a dog need a birthday party?

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The REAL reason why there is a nursing shortage...

Being a nurse is a stone cold trip. If you choose not to "play the game" one can easily end up on the shit end of the stick. And in all fairness, I think that applies to all nurses regardless of color. But if you are reading this and you are a minority nurse, I think you know what I mean. I first noticed it in nursing school. It started with little nuances that are designed to weed out those who they "think" aren't going to make it. Most of the time, my school worked with me and my family situation. But there were those occasions when it became clear to me that they really didn't care about me or my family situation and that I needed to make a choice between being a mother or a nurse. While that is clearly not a choice I decided that I needed to see this thing through because I knew that if I quit nursing school it would be impossible to find a job to pay that private college tuition that was accruing with the federal government. Despite my family problems I had a solid GPA that was a true indication of my talent and drive to be a nurse. Don't misunderstand, nursing is my passion. I didn't get into it for superficial reasons like money or power, I love taking care of people.

I thought it would be different once I became a bonafide registered nurse. Think again. In the workplace, I have noticed that I get special attention that other nurses tend not to get. Even other new nurses. I am a new nurse, but a competent nurse. I noticed that if I ask a question, I get snubbed because perhaps maybe it is a question that people think I should know the answer. But if I don't ask a question and there is a marginal outcome, I am held accountable. I don't have a problem with being accountable at all. If I made a mistake I own it just as well as I own the things about my performance that I am proud of, it is part of my growth as a human being and an example of the splendid person that God created. I love my mistakes and great accomplishments, but damn! Is it a learning opportunity for EVERYONE? It is discussed in the conference room, in the break room, at the nurses station...wherever. And without regard to my feelings or need to have a healthy self esteem as a nurse. Sometimes, before I even have an opportunity to ask for help, I will turn around and there is a room full of nurses, which can be a good thing. At first this was a welcome sight because I knew that someone had my back. That was until I got called into the office about my performance. I talked to the charge nurse and she told me to politely ask people to leave if they come into my room on some bullshit. I can't tell whether or not it is bullshit or sincere help so I am a little cautious, which can be both to my benefit and/or my detriment. I was warned that one day I will call for help and no one will come. If that shit happens, I guarantee that I will not be the only one in trouble.

In my culture, you are to demand respect from others. That's how it is. Watch your mouth when you talk to me, treat me with the same respect that I treat you with. Or else. I do NOT kiss ass. Let me say it again, I DO NOT KISS ASS. I feel like I am just as good as anyone else. I am not going to sit around and gossip to the others about you. I will tell you to your face. The next day, I will still treat you with respect because that's how I am. Not at my job. One day I talked to someone about something that they did that I didn't like and she was so nasty, you would have thought that I had disrespected her. I followed the proper format too! You know the one that goes, "I didn't like it when you _______. It made me feel like_______, and I would appreciate it if in the future you would ________." There is no good way to give a nurse feedback. It is always misconstrued. Maybe I should try a different approach like, "I think you are a great nurse, ______. I respect your expertise and admire your style. But, it really bothered me when you _________. It made me feel like _________. I really want us to have a good working relationship. I would like it better if you ________. I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I truly value your friendship." Hell no, that is kissing ass. And besides, people aren't that nice to me. They will tell me off in front of anybody. The doctors, the patients, other nurses...whomever is present. But if I do it, no matter how I do it, I am defensive and mean. Ah, whatever. Sometimes you have the be the bigger person. But must DiVa always be the bigger person, taking the high road?

And the saddest part of all is that there are two other nurses that belong to my ethnic group, both more senior and more experienced that me. One is very helpful. The other treats me like crap. If the roles were reversed, no one could say shit about either of them in my presence. I would defend them to the end. The more senior of them has done everything possible to help me in my troubles as a new nurse. Without her help, I would not have made it as far as I have. And I understand that there are limits to the help she can give me without compromising her position. People respect her opinion and she is the one thing that keeps our unit afloat. Without her, our floor would be crap and everyone knows it. I can only hope that one day I can be as good a nurse as she. The other, she's in with the clique of nurses who sit upon the throne of nursing goodness and cast stones at those who choose not to participate in their brand of ostracism. I guess she really needs to be a part of their group, being snobby to others. She is so nasty to me that I have stopped speaking first. In my culture, if you see someone first, you are supposed to say "Hello." It's just one of those things my grandma taught me when I was little. There have been times that I have spoken to her and she acted as if I was invisible. I talked to her once and asked her what I ever did to her. She couldn't pinpoint anything. I told her that she wasn't a very nice person. She didn't sound surprised. She was nicer for a couple days and returned to being bitchy. Oh, and then there was that one day she implied that I was a bad mother because I don't allow my son to operate the lawn mower unsupervised. That isn't a very big deal, but it still pissed me off. It is clear that she thinks that she is better than me because she grew up in the suburbs and had the finer things in life. I learned something a long time ago that I take to work with me everyday. The worst possible situation that a person could have could easily happen to you. Never think of yourself as better than someone else just because you have more education, or money or more anything. You never know where you will end up. All that ass kissing that she does must pay off because people don't mess with her like they mess with me. The absolutely LOVE her.

The clique. I have found that if this group of nurses spend all their time pointing out the flaws of other nurses, then no one will notice that they aren't that great begin with. I imagine that they treat me like that because I choose not to hang out with them or attend their parties or say anything negative about other people. I can't trust bitches like that because if they will talk bad about others, they will talk bad about me and I don't play that. I don't tell them my business. They don't need to know nothing about me. In a way, I wish I could have friends at work but a the same time with friends like that, who needs enemies? This sort of behavior is not exclusive to the nurses on my floor. Doctors can be just as bad.

It seems to me that if there is a possibility that a situation that might have an unfavorable outcome, the doctor will find some way to make it a nursing issue. I cannot write prescriptions. I have not reached a level of expertise where I can question a doctor's judgement. Nor can I make any suggestions regarding the plan of care. I can only voice my concerns and document interventions the rest is up to the doctor. Twice in my short career has a doctor tried to shift the blame of a situation that had been going on ALL DAY on me. They need to settle the feud between them and family practice and find a way to work more cooperatively. Otherwise, family practice physicians should not do OB. Period. We are all on the same team. I strongly feel that medicine is a collaborative process. It is not us against them.

Whine, bitch, moan. Oh DiVa, you are the perpetual victim. This is my blog and I can talk about whatever I want but damn, wouldn't it be nice to hear me speak of my glowing experiences as a nurse. Wouldn't it? I am always doom and gloom. I have had a few nice deliveries, but it is always foreshadowed with drama. I am still wondering when I will be treated with the same respect and professional courtesy that I treat others with. I could always quit this job. believe me, I have had offers, but at the same time I feel compelled to stay. Maybe it is because I refuse to let this job beat me. Or that I feel like the patients need at least one nurse that really cares. Call me crazy. I guess I can control the stuff I write about, but in all reality, I don't have anyone to talk to about the stuff I experience as a nurse. No one that would understand anyway. I am sure y'all don't mind. I heard that it is like that everywhere. Can this be true?

DiVa...trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Addendum: I didn't even mention the long hours, low pay, lack of time for family/household responsibilities, huge workload and lack of recognition for service.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Who does she think she's talking to?

I was taking care of a patient who was having twins and singleton patient. One in active labor, the other a pitocin induction. My twins mother was a primipara pitocin induction, but I hadn't started the pitocin yet because she was contracting just fine. Her blood pressures were higher than normal and since she was a G5P0, I had the doctor review her pressures and labs were ordered to check her for preeclampsia. The other was a multiparous patient who was real uncomfortable. Nurse B was in the same nurses station taking care of a chronically hypertensive mother on hydralazine because her pressures were sky high. The shift had just started. I hung my medication for the twin mother when I happened to look up at my singleton mother and noticed that her tracing was looking kind of strange. I went to visit my singleton mother and she was looking like her butt was about to explode. So I put on a sterile glove to check her and the baby was crowning. I run to the intercom and call for assistance immediately. No one came. So then I ran out to the desk and called two more times. Finally many people come into the room and the mother pushed out a healthy baby boy. In the meantime, Nurse B took care of my patient. I gave Nurse B a quick report and she watched my patient for two hours.

During that time, Nurse B knew the situation with the elevated pressures on the twin mother. She knew that labs were ordered, she didn't draw them because her tracing was bad on her chronic hypertension mother. I didn't hold it against her because I knew she had the more difficult patient. As soon as I finished my delivery, I got all of the charting caught up and got the labs together to assess her elevated pressures. Nurse B was aware. The whole time I took care of my twins, the mother was throwing up, violently. Her labs came back normal and the MDs decided not to treat her with magnesium sulfate. Despite all that, I had a foley placed for her comfort. In the meantime, I talked to Nurse B and we were having a pretty nice time working to gether. Her chronic hypertension mother delivered vaginally, which was quite a feat considering her tracing and all the drama with the Doula. During her delivery, I got a new patient that was Spanish speaking and 6cm dilated. Not a problem for the DiVa because I speak Spanish. I knew this patient was going to go very quickly and it was no suprise when she was completely dilated within two hours of being brought to the room. By that time Nurse B finished her recovery and had to take over my twins...Again! Let me put emphasis on AGAIN.

The tracing for my spanish speaker was not looking good and it was time to push. Nurse B asked me who was watching the twins. Obviously, no one because all this happened rather quickly. She was done with her delivery so she knew that she was going to be watching her again. We are holding legs and pushing with my mother when she says something like, "So are you gonna give me report?" Meanwhile the chief resident is yelling at me and the first year like we were idiots. This is amazing to me because the chief was quite inept just last year and now she is shot callin like she really knows what time it is. Any reasonable human being could see that it was an inappropriate time to ask for report because I am running crowd control, trying to find a fetal heartrate, keeping the mother calm, trying to remember how to conjugate Spanish verbs and accomodating doctor's requests. I ignore Nurse B and give all of my attention to the delivery. The baby comes out limp, purple and barely breathing. I am FREAKING out. I run the baby over to the warmer and call out for the charge nurse. I run back over to the warmer and rub the baby really hard. I bag for a few seconds so that the baby has a little extra oxygen before I start suctioning.

Just as I am doing that the charge nurse turns the corner and of course the baby is crying. He's juicy, but crying which is a good thing. The charge nurse says, "You're alright and if you need help just call Nurse B." So once the baby starts crying the requests start rolling in, "I need Vicryl." "I need lidocaine." "I need more lidocaine." Here comes Nurse B, "Are the doctors aware of her blood pressures?" She knows about this patient, at least as much as I know so why is she asking me these stupid questions?

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

I'm a NurseDiva, even at home!

As you know I am a DiVa and a Mom. I love being both but sometimes, I like to leave the NurseDiva at work. When I work, my FOB watches the kids. It's free and Hell, it's his responsibility. So Saturday morning, when I came home to find him passed out on my couch my nursing super-powers began to tingle. When I finally woke his dumb ass up I asked him what was wrong. He said something like, "I am having the worst headache of my life." I was thinking, Damn, I haven't got that life insurance policy, yet...this bastard better not stroke out in my living room!"

I will be back to tell you what happened next after I take my son to his physical.


Alright I am back. Where was I? Oh yeah, so my FOB was having the worst headache of his life and I was regretting not having gotten that life insurance policy. I told him to get up right now and go to the hospital. I went with him and when we arrived I said a phrase that I knew would get him a room immediately. I said, "I think he's having a stroke." So they did the "hold your hands out" and "smile" tests. He passed. They asked me why I thought he might be having a stroke and I told them about his headache. They tried to take his blood pressure and it was unmeasurable. So then they take him to a trauma bay and hook him up to the monitor. His blood pressure still wouldn't register. So they keep trying and finally a blood pressure of 248/161 came up. Amazingly, they did not panic.

They tried to start an IV and had problems gaining IV access. I volunteered to help and we found access. Then they gave him medications in his IV. He got 60mg of labetalol and even after that his pressure was 199/136. I am freaking out and somewhat regretting my decision not to take him to the county hospital, but at the same time I didn't want him to code in my car. Long story short, they kept him in the hospital for three days and discharged him. Do you think he so much as thanked me for my help? Not him. I was almost having a moment of weakness, until he got smart. I should have let his ass have that stroke he was trying so hard to have. But I was trying to help. He is so goofy. Right now, he hasn't eaten anything because he is on a 1500mg sodium diet and he has no idea what he can eat. I would help him, but he has an attitude. For all I care, he can eat salad everyday. I am half tempted to order his favorite pizza with pepperoni, sausage and bacon and leave it on the counter steaming hot and cheesy...

But you know I am not going to do that. I will be nice and grill him a piece of chicken and steam some rice and vegetable. I might even measure the correct proportions so that he doesn't overeat. Hold on. He doesn't live here. He better pack a lunch!

DiVa...letting a grown man be a grown man for a change!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Baby Daddy Drama

The last night that I worked I had a patient that was around 35 weeks. She was at a party having a good time when her water broke. So she came to the hospital with her mother and boyfriend in tow. Her boyfriend whom I call Bachelor #1 was sitting in the corner with his mirrored aviator glasses on. Her mother, who I thought was her older sister, looked like she thought she was 25 years old when obviously she was at least 40 years old. I imagine the party must have been a luau or something, sounded like a good time. Anyways, I got her settled into her room and on the monitor. During her assessment Bachelor #2 comes into the room. He was short, slightly overweight, cute but not as handsome or charismatic as Bachelor #1. He said hello and I invited him into the room and he quickly excused himself outside. So Bachelor #2 and The Mother were in the hallway talking and then they left the floor. The Mother was like "Hey Bachelor #2, come back!" And I was like, Okay....this is going to be interesting.

So then I finished getting the patient settled in and I run her labs. The patient was sitting there in the bed looking mildly inebriated or delayed. In comparison to the extremely attractive cast of visitors she had, she seemed quite plain. I am asking her questions and she is smiling and barely answering. For a moment I thought she had some mental delays but as I would soon find out she was just fine. Most of the time she was on the phone, which I found to be mildly irritating. So I left to let her finish the conversation. Then The Mother and Bachelor #2 round the corner and enter the patient's room. I asked the patient what she planned to name the baby she said it all depends. I knew very well what that meant so I didn't pry.

So here I am sitting at the nurse's station catching up on some charting when suddenly I hear Bachelor #1 say something like "I hear all that talkin', but you ain't walkin' you don't want none of this." and then Bachelor #2 says something like "I'll beat your ass!" And then The Mother says something like "Come on guys, let try to have some peace in here, let's be calm." By that time I am outside the door and I say "Yes, let's keep in quiet in here because after all this is a hospital." So Bachelor #2 looks to me and says "I don't know why you come in here for smiling and saying shit. You don't even know what's going on, this ain't no smiling matter." And I tell him, "I don't want to know what is going on, it's none of my business. It is my business however to maintain a safe environment for my patient. If you can't do any better than this I will need to ask you to leave." He said something smart and I said, "I am being nice right now, but I will call security." I told the patient, "Handle your visitor issues or I will." Then Bachelor #2 got up and left and The Mother ran out behind him.

When I looked at the patient and assessed the whole situation, I surmised that Bachelor #1 was the one she wanted to be the baby's father. Bachelor #1 was a worldly man. He told me that all his ladies have their babies early. I asked him how many ladies he had and he proudly stated that he had three. The patient was smiling and laughing. It was his first time being there for the birth of any of his children. This was not cute at all. Bachelor #2 had passion, I almost admired him for his determination. Even though he was smaller than Bachelor #1 he was standing up for his right to be there. It was clear that his presence was not important to anyone, except The Mother.

Next to the patient it was The mother that I was most disappointed with because she was encouraging this whole situation. The mother could have managed that by not showing favoritism and being more concerned about her daughter's well being, not the comfort of the men. The patient was obviously enjoying these two men fighting over her. It was very immature of the patient because she was 29 years old. Not 16 or 19, but 29 years. She was having her first baby and bringing it into a whole bunch of crap. Why couldn't she not let ANYONE be there until after the paternity test? What I hate most of all is that the NurseDiva has to be in the middle of all of that garbage. How on earth does one maintain a therapeutic environment when you have to referee? I could have just called security, but I like to give people a chance. Let's act like ladies and gentlemen...

DiVa...Another entertaining night at the county hospital.

Friday, July 27, 2007

How many phones must a DiVa buy...?

Okay so I have bought two cell phones in the past few weeks and I have to buy one more. One night my cousin and I were driving around town and she was drunk...(as usual). Somehow, she managed to drop my cell phone in an uncovered drink that was resting in the drink holder. How the hell she did that, I don't know but she didn't offer an apology and God knows she is broke as a joke. This heifer never has any money to fund anything. I was pissed off a little bit, but I was looking for a way to get out of my contract with my mobile carrier anyway so I went to a local cellular dealer and got a new phone. While I was there, I got a phone for my son too. Then he went to a local festival and a couple of teenagers roughed him up and took that phone from him. Sigh...there's another $150

The day before yesterday I got a pedicure and manicure. Now I need to get more sandals to show off my gorgeous toes. I love shopping. I am a woman, what can I say? I go to work everyday, I deserve the finer things. But first I have to get ready to buy school clothes for the kids. One of my children wear uniforms, the other doesn't but now he wears adult sized shoes. All of a sudden my 13 year old needs name brand shoes. He used to be happy with his "buddies" but now he wants to style and profile. But even the "buddies" cost almost $30-$40 a pair. I blame it on the gas prices. I am so not ready for a teenager...

Did I tell you that I survived a year at my job. Yes, I made it! The Diva has been a L & D nurse for an entire year. No one has gotten choked yet and I got a whole dollar raise. Woo-hoo! One whole dollar. I have yet to see the difference in my check because I work overtime, but soon I will get back down to my normal 36 hours. And in addition to all that I have confidence. That is almost better than the raise. I have had a few bad situations, I know what one looks like and what to do...CALL THE CHARGE NURSE. I know that sounds scary. But just imagine what it must be like on our floor on my shift where almost ALL of the nurses have been nurses for less than 3 years, and besides those three or four people, everyone else has had less than a year to six months of nursing experience. And on my floor 3 years is considered experienced. I am pleased with myself. very pleased.

In the past year I have seen many things, I have helped mothers say goodbye to their babies. I have taught mothers how to take care of their babies and themselves. I have brought families together and opened up lines of communication. I have found my voice and learned how to stand up for what's right even when it was not the popular position. I have learned how to advocate for my patients. I have learned when to speak up and when to stand down. I have laughed and cried. Nursing school did not teach me those things. But nursing did. And even though I bitch and moan about how things suck from time to time I must say that at this point, I have no regrets. Labor and delivery is not always a happy place. Babies and mothers die. But this is the commitment I have accepted and I am proud of myself. I do this nursing thing with a style all my own. I can only get better from here. And watch out for me when I hit Labor and Delivery NurseDiVa status!

DiVa..the SUPERSTAR of labor and delivery!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Another on bites the dust!

Yet another nurse has quit our fine labor and delivery unit. It is no surprise to me, and in a way I am glad. Of the 10 nurses, oops 11 nurses that quit in the past few months a good number were bitches. Eventually the best nurses will remain. I will just bide my time. Things are getting better for me and at this moment I am just going to wait and see what is in store. The good thing is that the nurse that is leaving is above me in seniority, meaning my name moves up the list. The only thing I need to worry about at this time is gathering the nicer nurses and trying to make our unit more fun so that people below me in seniority will stay. There are still quite a few nurses on the dark side and the attraction is strong. Maybe more nurses on the dark side will quit or cross over to being real helpful nurses to the newbies. It will be our job to re-define team nursing.

It's almost time for the kids to return to school. In a way this makes me sad because I haven't really spent the time with them that I would have liked to and in a way i am glad because they were getting bored and eating me out of house and home and making huge messes. The puppy will miss them terribly. We are planning a 'Back to School' party for the kids in the family. I am one of the sponsors. I am trying to think of some fun stuff for the kids. I hope that the weather will cooperate. My son is still playing football. Yesterday, when I picked him up from practice, he was covered in dirt. I asked him what happened and he said he got tackled. Instantly, visions of him with broken limbs came to mind. Lately we have been hanging out. I talked to his father about giving him manhood training. My son hates good hygiene. I can't understand why he doesn't like to bathe. His Dad really wants to help out. It's about time, he is almost 40 years old! My daughter, is spending the rest of the summer with her grandmother. I can't say that I approve but it is good to get sleep during the day. I bet she will be so big the next time I see her.

Dating has been quite a disappointment. I have resorted to just being alone, which is okay. Guys nowadays are uninspired, of the gentlemen that I have talked to lately the only thing they want to do is have sex. Sex is okay, but I want to have more of a spiritual connection. And besides, a day doesn't go by where I haven't seen a patient in our unit with herpes, trichomoniasis, chlyamidia, bacteria vaginosis or HPV (genital warts). We have also had an occasional case of HIV and Hepatitis C. Not that I plan on having unprotected sex with anyone, just the idea that girls are picking this crap up out there is just plain scary. And they come in with their boyfriends, significant others and sometimes husbands like no big deal. Having an STD and knowing where it came from would piss me off...BIG TIME. So instead of dating a few friends of mine have decided to travel locally and just have fun. You know, like a girls night out.

I went to a Casino this past weekend. It was fun. I didn't make any money because I gambled the $60 that I won and put another $60 with it. I have to learn to quit while I am ahead. This Casino only had slots. I have yet to figure out how I am winning, that is when I win. I just get really excited. Then I lose. I started asking the people sitting next to me how the whole thing works. Basically, I play the one, two, five and ten cent slots. Anything more than that makes me nauseated when I lose. I guess you have to do the max bet every time in order to win money. On a one cent slot that could be as much as 25 cents per bet. But on a dollar slot that could be as much as 5 dollars...not happening! The next time I go, I will not go with people who are afraid to lose money. I am comfortable with losing maybe 100-200 dollars and nothing more.

Speaking of returning to school, I am seriously thinking on getting back into the swing of things. At first I thought that I needed to adjust to working and give myself sometime to find my place. I think soon I will register for classes. We will see and I will keep you posted.

DiVa...getting more proficient at DiVaDom one day at a time!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Team nursing...WTF?

Since I have been a nurse on my own, I have always known that the consensus of my peers was that I have no idea what I am doing. So recently, when a few of my alleged colleagues were taking over my patient responsibilities and treating me like a patient liability I got well...a little snippy. I am very protective of letting people come into my room and get into my business. Only because when I do invite someone to participate in my special brand of nursing, it always results in someone going to the office to report me and then me getting into trouble. Most recently, a group of colleagues went into the nursing office to report me and got a huge surprise. Here's what happened.

A few nights ago, I was assigned to take care of a trauma. She was 28 weeks pregnant and her baby's heart rate was in the 100's. Not good given that it should have been in the 110-160 range. So I and the charge nurse go running to the emergency department preparing for a crash c-section in the trauma bay. By the time we arrived, the fetal heart rate was back to normal. The patient had multiple injuries. A broken arm, a broken nose. A few fingers were injured in addition to her back, ribs and a banged up head. She had on a c-collar which she was dying to take off, but she needed a MRI and various scans so that she could be cleared. The trauma doctors decided to clear the patient in our OB unit because I think that secretly, they hate having children or pregnant people in the ED. So I return to our unit.

Now, in our observation unit there were already four nurses. Very nosey nurses that can make you have a really bad night. I did not want to work with them because I knew what kind of night I was going to have. Of course the charge nurse assigns me to the trauma patient who was transferred to the observation unit. When I get over there, there are a few nurses in the room. There was nothing for me to do with regard to getting her settled in, but I refused to go and sit at the desk while they admit her because in my mind, she is my patient and the first thing that will be said is that I am incapable of managing my patient and that is why they took over. I was trying to organize her chart and one of the other nurses asked me for it. It was an hour before I ever even got to talk to my patient. It really pissed me off, but I let it slide.

One of the other patients in observation called out to go to the bathroom. I didn't want to take her out of bed because I didn't know her story. I went to ask one of the other nurses and she talked to me like a kid telling me to take her to the bathroom. So then the same nurse asked me to watch her patient while she transferred another and when she came back she asked me to watch her patient. While she was gone the patient came off of the monitor, so I went in to put her back on and she asked me to leave the room. She was really nasty and so I told her in my "back da F--kup" voice to let me finish what I was doing. When I returned she was giving report to another new nurse and told her that if she had a question to find her and ask. As if I am incapable of answering a question. We started at the same time! How could she possibly be in a better situation experience-wise than me? That sent me over the edge. I made it pretty clear that I was about to quit. No one said anything to me for the rest of the night. Good!

So when I came in to work yesterday, I heard that the nurse manager wanted to speak with me. It was no surprise that these bitches had gone to the office and reported what happened. My boss said that they came in and said that I was unapproachable and defensive and that someone should talk to me about my attitude. My manager said she asked them why and she said that they thought that I misunderstood that they were trying to employ aspects of "team nursing" and that I was overly sensitive. I wonder, does team nursing include sitting in the conference room talking about how stupid I am? No one keeps a secret on my unit. I know just about everything they say about me, and what they don't say, I can pretty much figure out by the way they watch my tracing from across the unit, or run into my room when the baby is having a harmless variable deceleration.

The nurse manager really didn't allow me to say too much. But I was able to slip in the fact that I am justified in my defensiveness and amazingly she agreed. She told me that she asked them if my actions created a patient safety issue. They said no. And she said she told them to leave me the hell alone. (Amazing....) She warned them that if they were to do that crap to a senior nurse they would get their feelings hurt and that they would be told to get the hell out of the room. The the nurse manager told me that both of the reporting nurses agreed that my performance had greatly improved. (WTF...?) I asked her why they have an opinion on my performance and why it counts. She explained that she cannot work every shift to observe each nurses performance so she relies on peer review as a monitoring tool. She went on to say that I could critique their performance as well. (No thanks!) I have no desire to nose around in another nurses business unless there is a patient safety issue.

I guess I was surprised that the nurse manager took up for me, (Finally!) but at the same time I am pissed off that those bitches actually thought they were doing something. How the heck am I supposed to know the difference between help and meddling? And the nerve of them to say that I am doing sooo much better now. What was I like before? I must have been a freakin' train wreck! I think that right now my boss will do almost anything to keep people from quitting since we've lost almost 10 nurses in the past six months. In a way I want to remain "unapproachable" so that maybe those heifers will check themselves before they step to me with dumb shit! They used to come in my room and take over, often times telling me to move out of the way and let them handle whatever was going on, or calling for a resident to assess my patient when the resident and I would already be in the room taking care of business. Maybe now they will at least ask me if I need help before they come barging in. Team nursing my butt, if I come in their room and offer help they politely ask me to leave, but when I do that I am being "unapproachable and defensive." I just want those jerks to leave me alone and let me do my job. Respect me the same way I respect you.

Just in case, I had an interview for a position in a hospital closer to home. So now, I might be a emergency room NurseDiva extraordinaire.

NurseDiva...just fakin' it until I am makin' it!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

An exasperating week...

This past week I have had some kind of week at work. I had a patient with a blood sugar so low it was undetectable by glucometer (the patient was 10 weeks pregnant a type 1 diabetic and chronic hypertensive), a preemie delivery that went off without a hitch (The mom had severe pre-eclampsia and went into labor at 33 4/7 weeks delivering healthy baby that had a dubowitz score of 35-36 weeks gestation and a blood sugar of 4!) and a vacuum assisted vaginal delivery, (a 17 year old with + Human Papilloma Virus that I found out about on palpation, eww! Then her baby's heart rate took a dive into the 60's in transitional labor. Thank God we didn't have to do a c-section). It is so good to have some time off. My kids and I went to see Blades of Glory my first night off. I really should have put a bit more thought into movie choices before considering this film. There were a few scenes where I had to cover their little eyes. Most of the adult jokes were over their heads, besides all that it was hilarious!

Last night I had my first date with Jeff. Unfortunately, it did not happen. I don't know why, I am disappointed but I am not going to sweat it. I am sure my cousin put the kibosh on that because she wanted him, even though she has a boyfriend. I could care less. The electrician has seemed to change his tune, a little. He has planned a date for us on Saturday to go bike riding. I am refreshed to have a date that is something besides dinner and a movie. However, he seems very anxious to come to my house late at night. I think I can manage this guy; it will be good practice for the real thing and a lot of fun. I feel a little apprehensive, especially when he said he has never been married and has no children and he is at least 40-50 years old. We are only friends at this stage so I guess it doesn't really matter, but at the same time I feel like if I hadn't spent my time kissing frogs and worked more on my career I would be a better prospect. Despite all that I am still cute. What ever the universe has planned for me will happen in its own due time. I still have a lot of "housework" to do anyway.

Tonight is my last night off. I am planning on buying a new bed. The store is holding it for me until I can pick it up. Then I am going to move into the basement and get rid of my old bed. The new bed is a king size bed. I wonder if it will fit in my new room. Anywho, my plan is to give my daughter my room and my son will have his room to himself again. It should work out to give us all our own space, even though I predict that my kids will spend most of their time in my room. This should hold us over until I can get me stuff together for buying a new home. After the next week or so (working almost seven days in a row, including the holiday) I will have some time off. Until then I will make the best of my last day off provided that is doesn't rain.

DiVa...Into our lives a little rain must fall. But if it weren't for the rain, we wouldn't have rainbows!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Updates and such...

On dating...
Okay, so I called this guy that I met at the job. (The electrician) I was initially very excited and optimistic about what could be and when I talked to him I found out that he is a little bit arrogant and self absorbed. I probably won't be calling him again. Here's what happened. I decided to call him one night before I went to work and he didn't answer his phone. I thought "Whew!" when all of a sudden, my phone started ringing. It was him returning my call. Do I answer, or make him leave a message? I answered and he sounded like he was in the bathroom.

I said, "Hi, it's NurseDiVa. I met you a few mornings ago and you gave me one of your business cards." He says, "At the hospital?" I said yes. He said, "What floor?" I said, "Labor and Delivery...?" He says, "Oh, the baby floor." (Not sounding so good.) I said, "Yes..., the reason why I called was because if you are not seeing anyone, I though it might be nice if we got together for lunch or coffee or something. You seem like a really nice person with whom I'd like to be friends." He said something like, "I don't do coffee." I said, "Well what Do you do?" Basically he said he likes to work out at the gym and admire himself in the mirror, Oh and make money. *insert deep exasperating sigh....

After that conversation he wanted to come up to the job and meet me for lunch. (Hello, night shift?) He left two messages on my phone. I returned his call yesterday. I dont think he remembers me. I think he wants to see me before he makes any kind of plans because he wanted me to page him to our floor before the end of my shift. I bet there is a nurse on every floor that has one of his business cards/pager number and to be honest he didn't deny it when I made a joke to that effect. Whatever...

I met a nice guy at the drugstore yesterday. he had seen me at a party a month ago and I left before we had a chance to meet. His name is Jeff. I don't know much more about him. In all honesty, I thought that my cousin wanted to date him so I never gave it a second thought, but now that she is dating another guy I guess he is fair game. We exchanged numbers and someday I might call him too! That is if he doesn't call me first. I think I like calling first since I have tried it because I feel like it gives me a certain sense of control over the outcome. I don't know if I will be talking to the electrician again and if I do, we will be ONLY friends.

On the job...
Suddenly, it seems like everything has clicked and I finally know what I am doing. For real this time. I was wondering when it was going to happen. It has taken almost a year to get myself together. People have always said that it takes about a year to feel like you know what you are doing. I guess that is true. One of the hardest lessons that I think it has taken me to learn is not to sweat the small stuff. And believe me, about 90% of it is small stuff. Being on a first name basis with a doctor is not so awkward anymore.

I am not as afraid to express my opinion on the plan of care, or discuss aspects of the plan of care that I am uncomfortable with. It is becoming easier to ignore people with attitudes, accept mid-shift assignment changes and discern REAL emergencies from potential emergencies or things that just need to be watched. For the first time in a long time look forward to going to work. I have even learned who to ask for help and who not to ask, because believe me you cannot ask everyone for help. Some people will give you bad information and then pretend like they didn't advise you when it doesn't work out. Or they will report you to the nurse manager for being inept. I am glad that I stuck it out.

On family life...
The kids are making me crazy this summer. The house is a mess, there is no food and sleeping is nearly impossible. But we are working it out. My son is going through this independence phase. I have to get him in check now because he is approaching the unruly teenage years and I am the law. He did get up this morning and get himself ready for football conditioning. He made sure he ate a well balanced meal, got dressed, I must say I was impressed. My daughter is still my baby. She is getting taller and more independent. Soon, no one will need me for anything. But I still think it will be a while before I can trust them to get themselves ready for school unsupervised.

DiVa...counting her blessings and loving life at the moment!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Scrubbing with the enemy...

I was scrub nurse last night on a C-section and the doctors were not in a great mood. The first surgery started out as a crash turned non-emergent. As I understood it we were not in a hurry. In an emergency, we do not have to opportunity to perform what is known as a pre-operative count. In the pre-operative count we establish sort of a baseline inventory of equipment that we are starting with to perform surgery. Since the first surgery was not an emergency a count should have been performed, but the doctor grabbed instruments off of the field before they could be counted and started the surgery as if we were ancillary staff instead of licensed professionals who assist in making sure that the surgery is being performed safely. As a result, an x-ray had to be performed. Not a bad thing, but would not have been necessitated had the doctor given us an extra three minutes to finish the count. The x-ray came back unremarkable. Everything turned out fine.

The thing that probably pisses me off the most was that the circulating nurse tried to make it seem like it was all my fault. He decided counsel me on "how to be a better scrub nurse" in the middle of surgery in front of all of the surgeons. I told him right away that I am not accepting the blame for the count not being done. I think that instead of assigning blame or using that as an opportunity to "teach me" how to better scrub, we should have been defending each other because we BOTH made the MD aware of the fact that the count hadn't been done. How many times must I tell people that reprimanding me in the middle of surgery is unprofessional and plain old rude. After surgery, pull me aside and tell me what you want me to know. I am approachable.

The second C-section was with a doctor that wanted me to anticipate her needs and differentiate by tone of voice when she is talking to me and when she is talking to the resident. I couldn't do anything right for this doctor. I didn't fold the sponge properly or hand off the suture scissors quick enough and she in the middle of surgery decided to give me immediate feedback regarding my performance. I responded by saying that I was a new nurse with limited scrubbing opportunities and with practice, I will become better at anticipating her needs but in the meantime I need her to be patient and clear about her desires during surgery and I left it at that. She walked out of surgery with a major attitude. Most of my peers would have been bawling their eyes out but I think that these "experienced medical personnel" need to realize that at one point in time they were new and that medical school or nursing school is ineffective at teaching a person everything they need to know about being a doctor or nurse.

DiVa, Experience is the best teacher...

Friday, June 15, 2007

An interesting possible date

You know I have always kind of been against dating on the job, but this time the DiVa might have to make and exception. I met a really nice guy on the job. The first time I saw him, he was trying to be flirtatious and I was like "whatever" but now I am thinking about it and I am like "maybe". He is not a nurse, nor does he work on my floor. Oh, and he is not a cop which I have been told goes together with nurses like peanut butter and jelly.

He is an electrician, and he is a really handsome. Since it is late and I have to go soon, I will have to log in and tell you more later. In the meantime, any suggestions on what to do next? bad at this dating thing!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

There's just one thing...

That I cannot seem to wrap my head around. When I find out or have a feeling that people have said something crappy about me or reported some fictitious occurrence that gets me in trouble at work, I cannot smile in their face and act like nothing has happened. I cannot be fake like that. I have always been one of those type of people that can't let someone hurt my feelings repeatedly. You have ONE chance to screw over The DiVa and unless you apologize to my satisfaction, (Or I realize that whatever happened is my fault), you are written off. That's how it has always been.

One night I talked to a senior nurse about what I was feeling and she shared that she feels the same way. But nursing isn't one of those professions where you can alienate people because you don't like them. If it is a code situation you need HELP and alot of it and you cannot pick and choose who comes to help. You may have a room full of your worst adversaries and you have to make it work. It has happened to me before and I know that they went back and reported that I am inept, but I was a brand new nurse to the world, I shouldn't be the expert yet. I am still getting adjusted to this nursing thing.

I know for a fact that I cannot Susan cuss me out in the presence of everyone and then the next day say "I love Susan, she makes the best coffee." I would be more like "F--- Susan, that B---- better be glad I didn't beat her A--!" That is definitely something I need to work on.

I am really pissed off at my cousin this week. I had Tuesday night off and I though that we would hang out and have a cocktail and enjoy the night. I gave her $11 to buy a bottle of our favorite alcoholic drink and told her I would be over by 8-8:30 to hang out. I should have known I couldn't trust her to do the right thing. I get there at 8:30 as promised and her driveway is full of cars. I get in the house she is passed out drunk with a house full of people who had been obviously partying at my expense. I was a little pissed because the bottle that she allegedly bought with my money was EMPTY and sitting on the table. I was cool, I said "Someone owes me $10", and left it at that. Her nephew dragged her drunken behind out of bed. She ignored me and said, "What is she gonna do, beat my ass?"

I am a professional. I don't need to beat anyone's ass. However, I do believe that I am due a bit more respect. It was my idea to hang out. I had brought a movie, I had a babysitter I planned to have a good time. How do I approach her now? This would be a perfect opportunity to learn how to resolve problems and move forward in relationships because all the time I have wasted being mad at my cousin about the stupid crap she pulled this week we could be working on having a more meaningful friendship not that it is too late to do that, but the stuff did happen on Tuesday. If only I could work out situations with the understanding that the offending action would never happen again.

DiVa, trying to learn how to better manage her relationships...

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Beware of flying babies, a cautionary tale...

Have you ever seen a movie where a woman is having a baby and the baby comes flying out of a woman like a cannon ball or something and the doctor is standing right at the end of the bed and catches the baby like a football? This very thing happened a few weeks ago with a patient of mine. Here's the story.

It was a busy night in the delivery rooms and I already had one laboring patient, but she wasn't doing a whole lot so I was assigned an active laboring patient. She was a gravida 2 para 0 and she was 6/90/-2 on her exam. She was 31 weeks pregnant, which is viable (at our facility anything over 23 weeks is viable which I think is crazy but that is another post). The doctors told her that they believed that they could possibly stop her labor because recently we kept a lady at 5 centimeters with a bulging bag for almost two months in a reverse trendelenberg. Not common, but possible. The plan for this patient was to give her Indocin (a medication to stop labor). If that stopped labor good, but if not we were planning to have a baby. So I gave her the Indocin and the Nubain (pain medication that works at the neuromuscular junction to intercept pain impulses) and then the waiting game began.

Her family surrounded her bed and they held hands and prayed. They were pleading with God to stop the labor. It was very nice, and I was hoping that would work because I am not very good at code pink deliveries. After about two hours the pain started again. I had her checked and she was 9 centimeters dilated. She wanted an epidural, but the doctor suggested that she just go at it natural because she was afraid that it would have a negative outcome, but at the same time she told the patient it was her decision. Why didn't she just say no? The patient was begging me to get her an epidural and I knew that Anesthesia wouldn't allow it because she was to far gone. About a half an hour after that we start pushing.

I have a general rule about pushing, I never take the bed apart without a MD being at the foot of the bed. And this time it was for a good reason. As a matter of fact we didn't even take the bed apart, we just lowered the foot of the bed to make it like a chair. So I had the patient begin to push. I called my neonatal resuscitation team and my charge nurse. I also had all the necessary OB doctors at the bedside. My idea was that we do slow controlled pushes so that the baby would glide out gently into the doctors arms and be given to code pink. And we did do a few pushes my way, but the charge nurse had a different idea. She wanted that baby out and she wanted it out NOW! So she told the patient to curl up like she was doing a crunch and push down into her bottom with all her might. She did and after about two pushes the bay came flying out, and if the doctor hadn't been standing at the foot of the bed, that baby would have had airtime. I was mortified. I was speechless for about 10 seconds. Being pleased with the outcome, the charge nurse went over to the warmer to assist code pink and it was business as usual.

DiVa, know when to break the bed and when not. Babies are fast when no one is there to catch them!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Just when I thought I couldn't do something more idiotic...

I prove myself wrong by doing something ridiculously idiotic. Last night was a busy night and our nurse manager was working alongside of us. This is a cool thing because I love the fact that the manager is willing to roll up her sleeves and come down into the trenches with us. At any rate my patient had a negative blood type. Here's a quick tutorial on Rh negativity and pregnancy.

If the baby has a positive blood type and the mother has a negative blood type, the mother will build antibodies against the baby. Since she was a primipara (having her first baby) nothing bad happens. However with the second pregnancy, if the baby has a positive blood type and the mother has a negative blood type, the mother's immune system will reject the baby. By rejecting, I mean it will attack and kill the baby. So in this particular delivery, it was very important to find out what the baby's blood type is so the next time or even this time, the mother can be treated with Rhogam to prevent a rejection. It desensitizes Mom to the positive blood type baby.

The baby was coming out very slowly, probably because he weighed 9 pounds, but it made me nervous because I wanted at all costs to avoid a forceps or vacuum delivery. I called the charge nurse in for a little support. I was so wrapped up in the safety of the Mom and baby that I totally forgot to collect a sample of the fetal blood. So in my mind I am organizing requests. The doctor is asking for suture to repair the perineum, and then a light and maybe some lidocaine. I wanted to keep an ear out for the babies apgars and such. Oh, and I needed a syringe to draw the blood out of the placenta because I neglected to ask for a section of cord for the blood sample. The clock is ticking because if blood sits still for too long it will clot and then the baby would probably need a blood draw. The doctor asked for a stool.

I went into a room to get a stool and noticed that the manager was taking care of my other patient. I said Hi and returned to my room with a stool and a syringe. I proceed to draw blood up from the placenta. Good, it's not clotted. I take my vacutainer and who walks into the room? The manager. While she is watching me, I take the needle and stick it into the top of the vacutainer. She says, "Aahhh!" I look up but it is too late I have already done a big nursing no-no. What if I had stuck myself with the needle?

DiVa, needs to remember to protect herself at all times...

Coming soon, "Beware of flying babies, a cautionary tale."

Thursday, May 24, 2007

I quit smoking...

Then I start again. Then I quit again. And now I am smoking again. I promised myself that after I saw people in the ICU with all different types of tracheostomies related to smoking for extended periods of time that I wasn't going to be smoking ever again. But somehow, I now find myself with a pack of cigarettes saying, "After this pack I am not going to buy another." Alright, I will do it again, "After this pack I will not be buying anymore cigarrettes.

I have some rules about my smoking. I don't smoke at work, nor do I smoke in the presence of my kids. I believe that my son has an idea that Mom might have an occassional smoke, but he can neither confirm or deny my status with regard to the smoking. I regularly ask myself why and the resounding issue is stress. Besides the fact that I think cigarettes go well with a nice cocktail. There are other ways that I can relieve stress such as exercise, hobbies and journaling but who has time for that? I can easily slip a cigarette into my daily routine. I really must make time for other things.

So the last time I wrote I was thinking about leaving my job. I really have no idea what course of action I want to take with regards to my career. When I think my job is at its worst I have a pretty good day and I realize that this might be what I really want to do. I actually had an interview about a week ago and I haven't heard anything. In my mind, I am prepared to find a way to make this job work. By any means necessary. Most days at work, I feel like public enemy #1. I decided that I don't need to have long lasting relationships with these people, that I only need functional working relationships. Which is marginally unfortunate because I sometimes envy the fact that the other nurses can laugh and talk together and I don't. I also find myself pissed off when I walk into a room and it falls silent. But I am becoming more and more comfortable with my I don't give a damn attitude. I am a DiVa, why do I care anyway? I applied to graduate school last week.

Right now I am re-evaluating my life and the people that I have let into my inner circle. Not that I think that I am better than anyone, but there are a few people in my life who, well...aren't going to amount to anything. And they are dragging me down. And in the midst of that they make me feel like I think I am better than they are because I have a degree. Not the case, because I could end up homeless or on drugs but I have come to far to let some stupid shit like that get in the way of my progress. So to keep myself focused on the task at hand, I have decided to take at least one graduate level class a semester until I have a master's degree. It's good to have a plan and a goal.

DiVa...never on schedule, but always on time.