Sunday, January 21, 2007

This job is making me crazy!

I hate feeling like this. One day I am thinking, okay I have a handle on this job and the next day I am a complete moron. It is becoming more than I can bear. Even as a DiVa!

The past week, everything I try to do well ends up being a fiasco. I had a patient who was having all these late decelerations. On a fetal tracing, a late deceleration is when the baby's heart rate takes a dip right after the peak of a contraction. Lates are not usually a good thing as they are indicative of cord compression. If the umbilical cord is compressed the baby is not getting much oxygen. IF this low oxygen state persists, the baby can become acidotic and generally a speedy deliver, usually a c-section is indicated.

In my first bad delivery, the patient was having these late decelerations and we began to push because at this time she was completely dilated and effaced. The baby came out with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice, tight. The cord could not be reduced it was so tight. The MD clamped and cut the cord and I tried to stimulate the baby to breathe on the Mom's chest. That didn't work. So I too the baby over to the warmer. I had my warmer set up and someone messed with the suction. It wasn't working. My baby was not breathing. So I checked the heartrate. I was over 100 which is great.

So I used the bulb syringe and continued to suction and stimulate. I wasn't even thinking about the code button. The OB attending asked me if I needed her to get me some help and I said PLEASE! So the two snobbiest, bitchiest nurses on our shift came into my room. They asked me what I was doing and I told them and they said "Why don't you just go take care of the Mom. We've got this." They were so nasty. It really hurt my feelings. I decided not to say anything because I know that I am the unit moron. These people always have a way of putting me in my new grad, don't know nothing about nothing place. I wonder if they came onto the floor knowing everything there is to know about being a nurse.

Then a day or two later, I had a mom with twins. She was over 40 weeks which is amazing for twins. Everything started off well. I was working with another inexperienced nurse and she was questioning everything she asked me to help her with like I didn't know what I was talking about. And she was double checking my answers with two other new nurses. Amazing! I should have stopped helping her but as I see it, nursing is a team sport, and there is no "I" in team. But besides that, I am trying to be the type of nurse that is helpful and not hurtful. Whatever. My twins had started having late decelerations. I had been calling all night because the tracing had begun to look a bit questionable. However, it didn't stop the MDs from calling me and asking me to increase the pitocin.

Anyway, I had been turning her and gave her some oxygen. I called overhead after two really moderate lates and the charge nurse comes over to ask me what I am doing. I was reviewing the tracing with the doctor, but I guess that wasn't good enough. I went into the room and turned the patient I gave her some oxygen, gave her a bolus of maintenance fluid, turned off the pitocin and looked for a change in the tracing. In the meantime, another nurse came in with the anesthesiologist. She was yelling at him that her blood pressure was too low. It wasn't too low. As a matter of fact the blood pressure wasn't very different from her baseline. The MD wanted to place a fetal scalp electrode. I had my monitor parts. By this time my room was full of people. The family was freaking out. Then the two evil nurses from my other delivery come in and start whispering. I am about ready to cuss, but being the DiVa I am, I stayed cool. The heartrate looked good, the babies were on the monitor and one by one the intervention was being to dissolve. Normalcy returns. And I am back at the monitor, charting and watching my tracing.

At this point I am mad as hell. I am about ready to quit this job. I am trying so hard to be part of the group. They had a party and I made something to share. No one ate it. I guess that's okay because I brought it back home and it was gone by the afternoon. But at the same time, It hurt my feelings. I talked to the nurse manager and she asked that I hang in there and just wait to see how much I really know. I don't know if I can. I have already started putting in applications at other hospitals.

DiVa...Using the nursing shortage to her advantage. I don't have to feel uncomfortable anywhere, Bitches!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

All of a sudden...

Things are starting to come together. I feel like I am starting to know what to do and when to do it. I won't get too excited, but it is pretty amazing. I am becoming more proficient at deliveries than ever before. And I am pretty good in the OR too! I am finding that I really am enjoying the OR more than ever before. I am even thinking about finding a PRN position as a scrub nurse or circulator. Baby steps, DiVa! Baby steps...

I don't know what happened. I am pretty happy about it though. I wish I had more experience as the screening room nurse, but as I understand it my experiences as a labor and delivery nurse will make my screening experience much better. I can't wait. I think that one of the most frustrating things about being a new nurse is that I am dying to be therapeutic, but it is impossible to be therapeutic when you are still trying to develop your basic nursing skills in your area of interest. Once the basic skills come together then it is easier to incorporate other skills and specialized language training and so on. I can't wait to see how much better I will be six months out.

I think I am finally being socialized into my work environment. It is hard coming onto a floor that has already established relationships and bonds. I am finding that I work with a really awesome group of women and a few men too. I am not a part of any particular clique. I don't really have the time to be a part of a clique because I spend most of my time in the room with my patients. And working with doctors is getting easier too. At first I was afraid to express my opinions or question orders. But now I can question an order and express how I thing the plan of care can be better managed. I can even make a suggestion or two. Funny, huh?

My son recently showed me a pile of papers that he had graded. Most of them were perfect papers. I was impressed. My daughter is becoming so responsible. I am almost obligated to buy her these darned heelys that she wants so bad. And the puppy, he peed on the puppy pad in the bathroom all by himself. Without me taking him into the bathroom. Amazing! I don't know what I am doing right, but for the moment everything is cool.

DiVa,...Confidence is my middle name!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Is it really all about me? A moment of reflection and mediation...

I was always taught that being selfish is a bad thing. Is it really? Is it so wrong to care a little bit more about yourself than anyone else? I think sometimes it is okay to be selfish, but where do you draw the line? It may seem a bit conceited, but how could I possibly be a DiVa if I didn't think I'm all that?

At this moment I am doing a little bit of reflection on myself. I have to take a little time for myself, otherwise I would go crazy. The kids are at school. It is quiet. I have to give myself the daily pep talk to get through another night of work. I have to remind myself of all of my talents, all the things that got me where I am today. Hard work. Persistence. Creativity. Intelligence. Yes...

Breathe, slow and deep. In through your nose, out through your mouth. This shit is not working. Dammit! Try again. Don't let that negative inner dialogue take control. Yet another exasperated sigh. I can't do this. Yes, you can. You are so blessed. At least you are alive. You are breathing. Breathing is the one effortless act that even a newborn baby can do. Focus on your breathing.

What the Hell? How can I focus on my breathing? I need to cook dinner, but I can't because first I need to wash dishes, dishes that have been sitting so long that a colony of fruit flies are hovering around any time someone walks past the sink. The dog is taking a crap on the rug or pissing. Which is worse? Both. There is a pile of clean and dirty clothes mixed together in my kids room, in a basket which happens to be spilling over onto the floor. The must be re-washed. Get the bucket, scrub the soil from the carpet. Clean the crate insert puppy. What else is troubling you dear? Interest and late fees are accruing. Those damned student loan payments have started and I am freakin' scared and overwhelmed.

Scared that I will never get adjusted to being a real nurse. Concerned that my children are still not getting what they need from their mother. Overwhelmed by the amount of catching up that needs to be done in order to get my credit and household together. Depressed because this seasonal affect disorder has me all out of wack. Tired because working night shift has my sleep cycle all confused. Worried that I will never be adjusted enough to return to school to get that Master's like I had planned. Pissed off that this hormone impregnated IUD has my skin all broke out like a teenager. Discouraged that I will always be at least 5 million pounds overweight no matter what I eat and how much I exercise. When will I ever be normal???

I am going to be normal right now. I'm getting out of bed and I am going to quit wallowing in self pity. I'll clean up a bit so that my babysitter won't be repulsed by my filth. Then, I am going to run a bubble bath and use one of the over 20 bottles of products that I purchased at the semi-annual sale. Even if I feel rotten, I will smell like a flower or piece of fruit of something. I am going to wash my hair. Hmph, at least I will have shiny hair even if I am a bit crabby.

DiVa...One day at a time!

Saturday, January 06, 2007

You know you have a good job when...

Your boss babysits your kids for you when you current ex-fiance decides to teach you a lesson by quitting watching the kids only hours before you are scheduled to be at work.

I love my boss. I had a fight with my ex-fiance, who had been helping me out with the kids on a probationary basis to see if we could get our relationship back together. He got mad because I asked him to keep up with the maintenance on the car he was driving and gave him until the end of the month to get the repairs done or else the car gets parked. My punishment? No more watching the kids while I work. A gravy job if I do say so myself. Since I work nights, I only needed someone to watch my children sleep.

The even more screwed up part is that these are HIS kids and even his mother refused to help me. I guess when he gets mad, so does his entire family. No more second, or third or forth chances for this bastard. This time I can make it on my own. I am not worried, or afraid of what anyone thinks about this situation. I am moving forward with my head up and my pride intact. I have a lot of work to do. It's a good think that I have a good relationship with my ex-husband.

I had found someone to watch my children the day I had to be at work. My ex-husband could watch them for one day only. My mother was out of town and I needed help for the next two days of work until she returned to town. So I called my boss and asked her if they could sleep in the nursing lounge until the end of my shift. She said no. I asked if I could adjust my hours so I could be home to put my kids on the bus. She said no, but then asked how old my children are. I told her their ages and she said she would watch them. I was shocked. At first I thought to myself, I can't let MY BOSS watch my kids. But then I thought I could get enough attendance penalty points that I could lose my job. That would really suck. So I let her watch them.

At first I thought that she probably didn't want the whole floor to know that she was doing me this favor, so I hid my children in the conference room. But everyone knew that she was doing this for me, so I brought them out of the conference room. Everyone wanted to know how I got her to do it. I didn't do anything special, she just offered to do it. I got the kids bathed, fed them dinner and brought them to work in their pajamas. My boss has two little boys that are toddlers. They are very cute. I thought that it might be too much work. I threatened to kill my kids if the misbehaved, kissed them and sent them on their way.

My boss took my kids to her house. She hung out with my kids. She shared stories of her life and pictures of her travels. She put my kids to bed and when they were scared of the dark, she came in the room and addressed their fears. In the middle of the night! My boss woke them up, fed them breakfast, got them dressed and brought them to my job at the end of my shift. If their clothes were wrinkled from being folded and in their bookbag, she ironed them. I was in tears. She doesn't know anything about me, I didn't even go into details about why I had no one to watch my kids and she jumped in and helped as if I was part of her family. On a voluntary basis for TWO DAYS in a row! I will probably never quit my job.

DiVa... a young nurse who learned a huge lesson about how God works! I still can't believe it.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

As a student nurse I couldn't wait for 2006 to arrive. Now 2006 has come and gone. I am looking forward to all the surprises and possibilities that 2007 has to offer. To all of my readers, the regulars and those who happen to stop by on a whim, I wish you peace and prosperity.

As far as my resolutions go this year, I plan to live healthier. I want to spend more time with my children and set boundaries in all of my relationships. I plan to work on my spirituality. I hope to be a better nurse and humanitarian. Most importantly, I've gotta potty train this puppy so he is not pooping and peeing all over the house!

God Bless,

DiVa...This is the last year I am making these resolutions!