Thursday, January 11, 2007

Is it really all about me? A moment of reflection and mediation...

I was always taught that being selfish is a bad thing. Is it really? Is it so wrong to care a little bit more about yourself than anyone else? I think sometimes it is okay to be selfish, but where do you draw the line? It may seem a bit conceited, but how could I possibly be a DiVa if I didn't think I'm all that?

At this moment I am doing a little bit of reflection on myself. I have to take a little time for myself, otherwise I would go crazy. The kids are at school. It is quiet. I have to give myself the daily pep talk to get through another night of work. I have to remind myself of all of my talents, all the things that got me where I am today. Hard work. Persistence. Creativity. Intelligence. Yes...

Breathe, slow and deep. In through your nose, out through your mouth. This shit is not working. Dammit! Try again. Don't let that negative inner dialogue take control. Yet another exasperated sigh. I can't do this. Yes, you can. You are so blessed. At least you are alive. You are breathing. Breathing is the one effortless act that even a newborn baby can do. Focus on your breathing.

What the Hell? How can I focus on my breathing? I need to cook dinner, but I can't because first I need to wash dishes, dishes that have been sitting so long that a colony of fruit flies are hovering around any time someone walks past the sink. The dog is taking a crap on the rug or pissing. Which is worse? Both. There is a pile of clean and dirty clothes mixed together in my kids room, in a basket which happens to be spilling over onto the floor. The must be re-washed. Get the bucket, scrub the soil from the carpet. Clean the crate insert puppy. What else is troubling you dear? Interest and late fees are accruing. Those damned student loan payments have started and I am freakin' scared and overwhelmed.

Scared that I will never get adjusted to being a real nurse. Concerned that my children are still not getting what they need from their mother. Overwhelmed by the amount of catching up that needs to be done in order to get my credit and household together. Depressed because this seasonal affect disorder has me all out of wack. Tired because working night shift has my sleep cycle all confused. Worried that I will never be adjusted enough to return to school to get that Master's like I had planned. Pissed off that this hormone impregnated IUD has my skin all broke out like a teenager. Discouraged that I will always be at least 5 million pounds overweight no matter what I eat and how much I exercise. When will I ever be normal???

I am going to be normal right now. I'm getting out of bed and I am going to quit wallowing in self pity. I'll clean up a bit so that my babysitter won't be repulsed by my filth. Then, I am going to run a bubble bath and use one of the over 20 bottles of products that I purchased at the semi-annual sale. Even if I feel rotten, I will smell like a flower or piece of fruit of something. I am going to wash my hair. Hmph, at least I will have shiny hair even if I am a bit crabby.

DiVa...One day at a time!

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