I can't really describe what is going on with me, but I know I am not alone in my condition. There are other people who are suffering along with me, the only difference is that I have no problem putting myself on blast. This morning, one of the other new nurses confided in me about her situation on the floor. She isn't even out of orientation yet and they have already told her she is not going to make it. I feel bad for her because I know what it is like to be under their scrutiny and criticism. There is no way to please the "senior nurses" who have only been nurses less than 3 years themselves. Nursing can be a very tough job. you have to be a high riding bitch because your kindness will be easily mistaken for weakness. Thank God I have finally become in tune with my inner bitch.
Anyway, I have mixed emotions about my job. First of all, our hospital pays one of the lowest salaries ever. Given that, I worked there because I felt that I would get the best nursing experience because of the high acuity level of the patients. And this is true, I am getting really great experiences. However, given the nature of our unit, many people who started the same time as myself have quit. Even I have debated about quitting. Not even a few days ago, I wrote an entry about how I planned to stick it out and about two days later I applied for a new job. And the crazy thing is that the new job would entail me following the very people that I was trying to get away from. Crazy isn't it?
I don't know what is wrong with me. In one breathe, I am tired of working the night shift. But at the same time, God is answering my prayers by moving all of my enemies out of my way and making the job so much more tolerable. People are becoming increasingly more friendly. The stress level is decreasing. Teamwork and morale is on an upward trend. My schedule is getting worse because we are understaffed. I am seriously becoming bipolar. I go from one extreme to the next. I am elated because my skills are improving and I am really beginning to know what I am doing, but I am becoming more depressed because summer is coming and I HAVE to sleep all day. I signed on to work three twelve hour shifts, but rarely do so because business needs require me to work more hours. I wanted to get another job working PRN "nursing for dollars" and I have no time.
My dream of buying a new house is getting further and further away. I am spending my time right now trying to rebound from the financial pit that I am in as a result of nursing school. I am trying to get used to the student loan payment. I have tonight off, but it doesn't even really feel like a night off because I am off in the night time, not the during the day and tomorrow, I begin a stretch of four twelves in a row, and none of it is overtime because it is stretched over two pay periods. (How sneaky!) And most of the time I don't feel like I truly have a day off because I am on call. I refuse to take overtime because I want to have at least a few days off in a row and besides, I am on call, so I will be there anyway. And what difference does it make if they hire new people, they are just going to quit in a few weeks anyway. The funny thing is that when I was hired, my boss said that turnover is low and that people have been there over 20 years. In the time I have been there 9 new people have quit. I may make it 10...
DiVa...seriously losing her mind, seriously!