Thursday, May 24, 2007

I quit smoking...

Then I start again. Then I quit again. And now I am smoking again. I promised myself that after I saw people in the ICU with all different types of tracheostomies related to smoking for extended periods of time that I wasn't going to be smoking ever again. But somehow, I now find myself with a pack of cigarettes saying, "After this pack I am not going to buy another." Alright, I will do it again, "After this pack I will not be buying anymore cigarrettes.

I have some rules about my smoking. I don't smoke at work, nor do I smoke in the presence of my kids. I believe that my son has an idea that Mom might have an occassional smoke, but he can neither confirm or deny my status with regard to the smoking. I regularly ask myself why and the resounding issue is stress. Besides the fact that I think cigarettes go well with a nice cocktail. There are other ways that I can relieve stress such as exercise, hobbies and journaling but who has time for that? I can easily slip a cigarette into my daily routine. I really must make time for other things.

So the last time I wrote I was thinking about leaving my job. I really have no idea what course of action I want to take with regards to my career. When I think my job is at its worst I have a pretty good day and I realize that this might be what I really want to do. I actually had an interview about a week ago and I haven't heard anything. In my mind, I am prepared to find a way to make this job work. By any means necessary. Most days at work, I feel like public enemy #1. I decided that I don't need to have long lasting relationships with these people, that I only need functional working relationships. Which is marginally unfortunate because I sometimes envy the fact that the other nurses can laugh and talk together and I don't. I also find myself pissed off when I walk into a room and it falls silent. But I am becoming more and more comfortable with my I don't give a damn attitude. I am a DiVa, why do I care anyway? I applied to graduate school last week.

Right now I am re-evaluating my life and the people that I have let into my inner circle. Not that I think that I am better than anyone, but there are a few people in my life who, well...aren't going to amount to anything. And they are dragging me down. And in the midst of that they make me feel like I think I am better than they are because I have a degree. Not the case, because I could end up homeless or on drugs but I have come to far to let some stupid shit like that get in the way of my progress. So to keep myself focused on the task at hand, I have decided to take at least one graduate level class a semester until I have a master's degree. It's good to have a plan and a goal.

DiVa...never on schedule, but always on time.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

What am I looking for now?

I was hanging out with my friends yesterday and they are single. Yesterday was almost like summer. It was a warm lazy day. I called off work to hang out with them and see the city. I and all of my friends are single. I have finally pulled myself away from the relationship with my finace and I think I am ready to meet people again.

My one friend is 30 years old and loves what is known as "the thug." The absolute last thing I need is "Mr. Thug" and his pharmceutical sales occupation interfering with my nursing license. When it comes to love, I think that I need to take my time and wait for a nice young man (no older than maybe 45 and no younger than 35) that is a professional and a perfect gentleman. One who likes/has kids and/or a dogs and has something to bring to a relationship besides emotional baggage. He needs to have his OWN car and his OWN place. No mama's boys allowed. I need someone who has hopes, dreams, goals and is willing to contribute to a healthy loving relationship. He has to be able to understand that a DiVa needs a strong but sensitive man who knows when to stand up to the Diva and when to let a DiVa be a DiVa.

I was told that I looked very cute yesterday. I agree. This weekend, after I spend mother's day with my children, I am supposed to attend a male revue. I don't particularly care for these sort of events, but it's a night with the girls, what can I do? Perhaps afterwards, we will go to a greasy spoon and there will be a tall, dark and handsome stranger drinking a cup of coffee. He will see me and have to know more about the DiVa. Hell, not in this city...

DiVa, not really looking at all but wants to have an interesting summer...

Monday, May 07, 2007

Proud to be a nurse...

This morning after working my 12 hour night shift, I went to my appointment with my therapist. Yes, I have no shame in admitting that I see a psychologist. I told him that I would meet him at 8:30, but I got there over 20 minutes early. (Yes, the DiVa was not fashionably late.) I fell asleep in the parking lot.

All this week I had been planning to drop my therapist because I felt that we had surpassed the therapuetic phase of our relationship. It had got to the point where he was like saying things in a suggestive way like, "Are you sure your insurance won't cover my full fee?" or "If you are going to stay in a bad situation just because the money is good, then accept it for what it is and get over it." It seems a bit harsh to me because I favor the Gestalt method of psychotherapy. I digress.

I was awakened by the knock of my therapist on my car window. It was a startling awakening, but I recovered and followed him into his builiding. I see a therapist who practices in a rural area. The trees were blossoming and the sun was shining. I must admit this morning was beautiful. So he asked me how things have been going. The topic of today's session was my job. I have spent a great deal of time weighing out the pros and cons of me staying at this job.

The cons
The lousy hours, the atrocious scheduling practices, the issue of seniority and its impact on practically every aspect of the job. I will have to work nights or evenings at least another five years unless someone dies or quits. In five years my son will be 17 years old which is too long to wait for a change. I need to spend time with him NOW. The bitchy nurses that I work with has been something I have grown accustomed to and I must say I have learned how to handle the doctors that seem to have a vendetta against me from time to time equally as well. But the number one reason why I feel that I really need to leave my job is that I can't stand to watch my daughter cry when they call me in to work on my days off. Or the look of disappointment on my son's face when he realizes that yet again, I have to work every weekend. And the fact that on most holidays I will not be home.

The pros
Yes there are pros! are that I love being a labor and delivery nurse. My job allows me to bring people together. Despite all, birthing is a collaberative and emotional process. I love being a part of peoples lives at such a special time in such a personal way. I am proud to represent my demographic in a hospital where the staff somewhat frowns against the unwed mother. I am not ashamed of being and unwed mother, a product of the welfare system that was able to turn my life around with strong will and determination. I love our patient population. I have the power to take the meanest uncooperative patient and make them warm and gracious. I love it. I love the human connection and I will miss it.

I almost hate it that I will have to walk away from this job soon, but I love my children too much to neglect them any more than I had to when I was in nursing school. I promised myself I would never do it again. So I have decided to start looking for jobs again. Surprisingly, my therapist supported me in my decision. My mother is indifferent. My kids can't wait for me to quit. And I am conflicted. But more than anything, I am proud to be a part of a profession where compassion is a requirement.