Thursday, May 24, 2007

I quit smoking...

Then I start again. Then I quit again. And now I am smoking again. I promised myself that after I saw people in the ICU with all different types of tracheostomies related to smoking for extended periods of time that I wasn't going to be smoking ever again. But somehow, I now find myself with a pack of cigarettes saying, "After this pack I am not going to buy another." Alright, I will do it again, "After this pack I will not be buying anymore cigarrettes.

I have some rules about my smoking. I don't smoke at work, nor do I smoke in the presence of my kids. I believe that my son has an idea that Mom might have an occassional smoke, but he can neither confirm or deny my status with regard to the smoking. I regularly ask myself why and the resounding issue is stress. Besides the fact that I think cigarettes go well with a nice cocktail. There are other ways that I can relieve stress such as exercise, hobbies and journaling but who has time for that? I can easily slip a cigarette into my daily routine. I really must make time for other things.

So the last time I wrote I was thinking about leaving my job. I really have no idea what course of action I want to take with regards to my career. When I think my job is at its worst I have a pretty good day and I realize that this might be what I really want to do. I actually had an interview about a week ago and I haven't heard anything. In my mind, I am prepared to find a way to make this job work. By any means necessary. Most days at work, I feel like public enemy #1. I decided that I don't need to have long lasting relationships with these people, that I only need functional working relationships. Which is marginally unfortunate because I sometimes envy the fact that the other nurses can laugh and talk together and I don't. I also find myself pissed off when I walk into a room and it falls silent. But I am becoming more and more comfortable with my I don't give a damn attitude. I am a DiVa, why do I care anyway? I applied to graduate school last week.

Right now I am re-evaluating my life and the people that I have let into my inner circle. Not that I think that I am better than anyone, but there are a few people in my life who, well...aren't going to amount to anything. And they are dragging me down. And in the midst of that they make me feel like I think I am better than they are because I have a degree. Not the case, because I could end up homeless or on drugs but I have come to far to let some stupid shit like that get in the way of my progress. So to keep myself focused on the task at hand, I have decided to take at least one graduate level class a semester until I have a master's degree. It's good to have a plan and a goal.

DiVa...never on schedule, but always on time.

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