Sunday, July 29, 2007

Baby Daddy Drama

The last night that I worked I had a patient that was around 35 weeks. She was at a party having a good time when her water broke. So she came to the hospital with her mother and boyfriend in tow. Her boyfriend whom I call Bachelor #1 was sitting in the corner with his mirrored aviator glasses on. Her mother, who I thought was her older sister, looked like she thought she was 25 years old when obviously she was at least 40 years old. I imagine the party must have been a luau or something, sounded like a good time. Anyways, I got her settled into her room and on the monitor. During her assessment Bachelor #2 comes into the room. He was short, slightly overweight, cute but not as handsome or charismatic as Bachelor #1. He said hello and I invited him into the room and he quickly excused himself outside. So Bachelor #2 and The Mother were in the hallway talking and then they left the floor. The Mother was like "Hey Bachelor #2, come back!" And I was like, Okay....this is going to be interesting.

So then I finished getting the patient settled in and I run her labs. The patient was sitting there in the bed looking mildly inebriated or delayed. In comparison to the extremely attractive cast of visitors she had, she seemed quite plain. I am asking her questions and she is smiling and barely answering. For a moment I thought she had some mental delays but as I would soon find out she was just fine. Most of the time she was on the phone, which I found to be mildly irritating. So I left to let her finish the conversation. Then The Mother and Bachelor #2 round the corner and enter the patient's room. I asked the patient what she planned to name the baby she said it all depends. I knew very well what that meant so I didn't pry.

So here I am sitting at the nurse's station catching up on some charting when suddenly I hear Bachelor #1 say something like "I hear all that talkin', but you ain't walkin' you don't want none of this." and then Bachelor #2 says something like "I'll beat your ass!" And then The Mother says something like "Come on guys, let try to have some peace in here, let's be calm." By that time I am outside the door and I say "Yes, let's keep in quiet in here because after all this is a hospital." So Bachelor #2 looks to me and says "I don't know why you come in here for smiling and saying shit. You don't even know what's going on, this ain't no smiling matter." And I tell him, "I don't want to know what is going on, it's none of my business. It is my business however to maintain a safe environment for my patient. If you can't do any better than this I will need to ask you to leave." He said something smart and I said, "I am being nice right now, but I will call security." I told the patient, "Handle your visitor issues or I will." Then Bachelor #2 got up and left and The Mother ran out behind him.

When I looked at the patient and assessed the whole situation, I surmised that Bachelor #1 was the one she wanted to be the baby's father. Bachelor #1 was a worldly man. He told me that all his ladies have their babies early. I asked him how many ladies he had and he proudly stated that he had three. The patient was smiling and laughing. It was his first time being there for the birth of any of his children. This was not cute at all. Bachelor #2 had passion, I almost admired him for his determination. Even though he was smaller than Bachelor #1 he was standing up for his right to be there. It was clear that his presence was not important to anyone, except The Mother.

Next to the patient it was The mother that I was most disappointed with because she was encouraging this whole situation. The mother could have managed that by not showing favoritism and being more concerned about her daughter's well being, not the comfort of the men. The patient was obviously enjoying these two men fighting over her. It was very immature of the patient because she was 29 years old. Not 16 or 19, but 29 years. She was having her first baby and bringing it into a whole bunch of crap. Why couldn't she not let ANYONE be there until after the paternity test? What I hate most of all is that the NurseDiva has to be in the middle of all of that garbage. How on earth does one maintain a therapeutic environment when you have to referee? I could have just called security, but I like to give people a chance. Let's act like ladies and gentlemen...

DiVa...Another entertaining night at the county hospital.


Vixen said...

Yowza, you got your own Murry show right then and there. You handled it really well though. I wonder who ended up being the DAddy?

Nurse Diva Extraordinaire said...

I know, in my mind I kept hearing..."You are not the father" and the patient down on the ground rolling back and forth. On our unit, they don't do the testing until the patient gets to postpartum. I wish we gave the tests while they were there competing for paternity!