Sunday, September 30, 2007

Finding my rhythm...

Foreword
First off I want to say a huge thank you to all of you that stop by and visit. Overactive, Vixen and Steve, you guys are my cheerleaders. Thanks for being there. CocoaDawn, thank you for stopping by! I appreciate your compliments words of encouragement. I do this whole blog thing for people like you. When I first decided to return to school, there were no blogs like mine. And it is for people like you that I continue to blog, even today.

The Goods
I have still been fooling around with my daughter's father. I'll admit it, I don't think I can make it without his assistance. It lightens the financial load, that is when he pays the bills he is supposed to pay. Furthermore, I really can't rely on help from my family with my kids. So essentially, I think I do need him a little. But I realized recently that he is truly an a**hole. I felt sorry for him when he had his recent hospitalization and I let him back into my life. I know, I am stupid for continuing to let him back into my life but this is a lesson that I have to learn by busting my butt a few times. Lately, I realized that my self-esteem must be terribly low. I let him talk to me like I am worthless. He does absolutely nothing to help around the house and he swears that he has no money, when I know he does. We have no physical relationship at all, which for some might be okay, but the DiVa has NEEDS! And since I have returned to school he has gotten worse. I think that he thinks that once I become Dr. DiVa he will be living the good life. I gotta nip that in the bud, immediately. Even if that means that I have to get a job.

At first I thought that he was punishing me because he is sick and I am in good health. Not my fault, I warned his dumb ass about his obesity and blatant disregard for physical activity. As of late I am continually warning him to seek medical advice about this tumor on his brain. I guess he is waiting for it to metastasize or something. I told him that I was going to get a lover and he said he didn't care. Last weekend I went on a overnight trip with my ex and the kids and he didn't seem to care. I asked him to leave, but he refuses. Why on earth would a guy want to stay in a situation like that? The kids could care less if he is here or not. I told him what the ground rules would be if I left and he said I was a bitch. Why is it when a woman sets boundaries, she is being a bitch? I can't stand the sight of him. I am thinking of something legal to get him out of my house, more importantly, I need to figure out a way to keep him out of my life, except for being responsible for his daughter.

School is going okay. I need to find a way to correct my habit of chronic tardiness. I can't help it, I am late. Everywhere I go, I am late. I will probably be late to my own funeral. Despite that, my self discipline seems to be improving. I finished my assignment yesterday and it is due on Monday. As I was working on my focused exam, I realized that someday in the near future, I will be assessing patients and prescribing medications. I will be creating assignments for students, grading papers and acting as a clinical leader. I really need to get my stuff in order. Dr. DiVA cannot be late. Dr. DiVa should be organized. Dr. DiVa don't need to be relying on no man for nothing. Bishop T.D. Jakes was talking about the rhythm of being a woman today. And what he said was true.

As women, we have a natural rhythm that we maintain. It kind of reminds me of juggling how we have to manage our finances, keep the house reasonably clean, be a support system to the kids, and be the star student/employee all at the same time. This situation with my dude is a challenge. I have to prove to myself that I can do it without him. I've got a rhythm to maintain. He isn't doing anything anyway and he is NOT my husband. He is messing up my flow!

Well, I am supposed to be getting ready to take my family out to dinner for my son's birthday. Yes, I am now the proud parent of a teenager. My mother bought him an I-pod Nano for his birthday. I am still pissed off about the cell phone, so there are definitely going to be some rules about the I-pod.

The future Dr. DiVa...maybe if I think of myself as a doctor, I will be motivated to do the right thing!

P.S. If you want to email me feel free...nursediva06@yahoo.com

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I flunked my first test

I once told someone it's okay to fail a test. That failing a test is liberating. I am not feeling so free right now. This has been the week from hell. My best friend's son had a seizure that resulted in his death. He was only 21 years old. That is too young. He was such a sweet kid. He did not deserve that. My son was very close to him and he was devastated. It is very difficult to attend a funeral of a young person. I absolutely hated that experience.

My focus has been off. I cannot get into student mode. I was trying my best to separate from my employer, get my finances in order and manage my crazy life and I am having one hell of a hard time. I feel like crap. DiVA...a failure? This cannot be. In the history of my adult studenthood this is probably the second time I failed a test, that is not counting math tests which I have a tendency to fail because of my math anxiety. My personal life is in shambles. I won't go into details about it but I just feel like an awful human being. The house is a mess. I would cry, but what is the point of that?

Right now I need to make some decisions about what I am going to do. Am I going to make this school thing work? Or will I return to the world of floor nursing?

DiVa...HELP!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Having a roadblock

I am feeling so unmotivated. At first when I started preparing for my graduate studies I had so much energy. Then all of a sudden, I realized that I am so far behind. I haven't been to school in a year. I have been on night shift for at least a year. Transitioning is a bitch.

I think I am finally on day hours, but I feel sleepy at around 9-10pm. This is my prime time study hours. I wake up at around 5-6 am, then I get the kids ready and then boom I am sleepy all over again. Unless I have class. I drink a white mocha and then I am on auto pilot until around 2-3. I have so much reading to do. My eyes start to swim after about 30 minutes and then the next thing I know, I am out.

One plus is that I am going to school with other women who are my age. They have children and many of them work. I had a job interview last week and I think it went pretty good. I will be a labor and delivery nurse again, working one day a week. That wont probably start until January. I am giving myself plenty of time to adjust.

I have a few assignments to get started on. I owe a health history tomorrow. It needs to be typed. Then I have my first big exam on Wednesday. I can take a cheat sheet, so I don't feel so bad. And then I have a few things to do for my health promotion class. I have a health promotion seminar that I have to create that is due in a few weeks. I have to create a presentation that can be taught over 2-3 hours. I wonder what I am going to promote? I guess I'll come up with something.

Back to the drawing board...

DiVa...too blessed to be stressed!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A new life...re-vistited

I am trying my best to transition into my new life as a student. I am starting out behind due to the fact that I am still finishing the work schedule before starting school. I refused to leave my present employer on bad terms. They will still have crappy things to say about me. That is the type of women they are, only thing is, I don't have to put up with their crap anymore. And that's a good thing because I don't have time for foolishness. As a gift to myself, I bought a notebook computer. Now the kids will have the living room computer to themselves and I don't have to worry about them deleting my important papers.

To begin with, I am taking nine credit hours. Doesn't sound too bad to begin with, but I am looking at the syllabi. My first test is within the next two weeks. Then there are those little miscellaneous projects. Once I am finished with work, I think my focus will be better. I am looking for before and after school help with childcare which is running almost 200 dollars per week. That was an unexpected expense. My kids are relatively good kids, they argue alot and that alone is justification for supervision.

Speaking of the kids, my son came home from school today and said he took a test. He finished the test at top speed and the teacher called him up to her desk. As it turns out, seventh grade language arts isn't challenging enough so they are promoting him to eighth grade language arts. In the past, the schools have been giving me a pretty hard time about my son's behavior. They wanted to label him with ADHD and severe behavior disorders when all along I have been telling them that he is BORED, and nothing else. My daughter is more motivated than ever to become an attorney. At age 8 she already knows what she wants to do and how she's going to get there. I am going to attempt to teach the kids how to be more organized. We are all getting day planners.

I received a phone call today about a PRN job at a hospital that is conveniently located closer to home and school. The lady called to schedule a phone interview. It was right at the time that the kids got home from school, so the dog was barking, everyone had questions...in short it was a bad time to schedule anything. The interviewer's schedule and mine were in total conflict, but I finally agreed to a time that should work. Then the receptionist felt she needed to school me on the etiquette on phone interviews. She said, "Be prepared to receive a call at 1030, not 1035. Have your resume in front of you and any questions that you might have for the interviewer. Try not to have any distractions, such as children or barking dogs. Let me give you my number in case you have scheduling issues..." I was so insulted. I apologized and she stated, "Your noisy house doesn't bother me at all, it would just be very distracting to have all that going on during an interview." Whateva, bitch. Does she really think I am that stupid? Well, time to get the kids stuff together for school.

DiVa...Professional nursing student, Mom first!