Thursday, January 31, 2008

What I love most about blogging...

Is that I can come here and be as insecure as I want to without the worry of my competency as a nurse being called into question. Today was my first marginally rough day at work. I think what is happening is that my feelings from my old job are complicating my ability to focus on my new job as I should. I am worried that I am not learning the new job fast enough and that my hesitancy in being viewed as an inability to do the job. Then there is learning all of the paperwork, personalities, physicians, protocols, passwords, preferences, practitioners, pumps and pregnant patients...all of which is making me dizzy. Plus I am tired as hell and behind on my class work, but that is another blog entry.

Okay so I was in a delivery and my baby came out floppy. For one, this institution doesn't seem to freak out about anything. The baby nurse just casually came over and rubbed the baby's back. The midwife handed me the bulb syringe and I started helping with baby resuscitation. The worst thing of all was that I was in the way, and not very effective at prioritizing my interventions. I was a little embarrassed, but it was a defense mechanism from my county days. I was never allowed to participate in my own baby code situations. I was pushed aside, instead of being guided. Those neonate resuscitation classes are great, but it is a totally different ball game when you have a human, blue, floppy infant on your table. I was previously precepted by a maniac that freaked out over everything…to the extreme.

My preceptor reminded me that I am not the baby nurse and that I needed to focus all my attention on taking care of Mom. I just wanted to be everywhere at once. Then it was the end of my shift and I wanted to stay and finish the delivery, but my preceptor sent me home. She was totally nice. It wasn't at all hostile. She did mention that I know what I am doing, but I need to present myself in a more confident way or I will have problems with some of the other nurses who have a strong personality. Here we go again...

I have to learn to put on a better game face. I must come across as unsure of myself. I think it would be really hard to be walking around like "Nurse-know-it-all" but at the same time I guess I can't be looking for approval for the things that I do. Maybe I should re-think my idea to work and go to school. I was warned, but then once someone tells me that I can't do something, I feel a subconscious need to prove them wrong. I think I'll be alright. Pray for me...

DiVa...I am not giving up on this job, especially since I saw my first check!


B. Hargette said...

I wrote a blog not too long ago but personal achievement. Some of your greatest achievements will go unnoticed by others, but you have to recognize them within yourself. If no one has already told you, let me be the first to say: you're doing the damn thing.

-a new, yet committed reader of your blog:

Nurse Diva Extraordinaire said...

That is so true. But how do you do that without coming across as a snob? There seems to be a thin line between arrogance and high self esteem. High self esteem is a natural healthy thing, we should embrace it! Thank you for the compliment and readership.



B. Hargette said...

Being a snob would mean you took it outside yourself, notice your accomplishments within yourself- and let that be enough.

"Arrogance is a term used by those who cannot discern themselves with the immense confidence of a man who knows he has no limits."-Bret Jones

One of my fav. quotes, think on it.