Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Tough Times...

I am feeling lost...This whole doctorate thing is becoming frustrating. I still don't have a committee. Papers are coming due and I don't have the energy to follow through. I don't want to do this degree any more. I am dealing with motherhood stress, financial stress, school stress, love-life stress, self-esteem stress and I am just tired of it all. I have no energy and I just feel alone. No one seems to understand. I am the first in my family to pursue a terminal degree and when I try to talk to someone about my troubles, it is always looked upon as me trying to one-up someone. I just wish I could be done and doing the things I planned to do to change the world.

I would cry, but it is a waste of tears. I would scream but what is the point of that? I would quit, but I would be mad at myself in the long run. Other students in the school get attention and support. I have been on my own from the beginning. My advisor keeps saying that she wants me to call her if I feel lost. My thought is 'why should I have to be the one doing all the calling?' They gave me the opportunity to return to school, would it be too much to ask to have them occasionally check in on me to see how I am doing from time to time? Why is it that I have to call and make an appointment with the administrative assistant to discuss my study? Why can't I just make an appointment with you personally, Dr. Thus-and-Such?

Yesterday, a prof asked me why I decided to pursue a doctorate in the first place. I couldn't really tell her. I forgot why I wanted to do this! My family keeps asking me for money. Fifty dollars here, twenty dollars there. A few weeks ago, a relative of mine who is living with AIDS asked me to help get him an appointment to get him back on track. I asked one of my esteemed colleagues to see him and he went to the doctor's office and showed his ass. The bank assessed NINE overdraft fees because they imposed a 5 day hold on a $400 check. When I challenged the $456 in overdraft fees, they only reimbursed $125. I owe $550 to the electrician who switched my fuse box to breakers, $270 for the fees associated with my FNP licensing exam and I still haven't paid my car note. I need an escape...The DiVa is having a really bad day... wondering how she can empower other women if she is feeling so weak ;(