Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Tough Times...

I am feeling lost...This whole doctorate thing is becoming frustrating. I still don't have a committee. Papers are coming due and I don't have the energy to follow through. I don't want to do this degree any more. I am dealing with motherhood stress, financial stress, school stress, love-life stress, self-esteem stress and I am just tired of it all. I have no energy and I just feel alone. No one seems to understand. I am the first in my family to pursue a terminal degree and when I try to talk to someone about my troubles, it is always looked upon as me trying to one-up someone. I just wish I could be done and doing the things I planned to do to change the world.

I would cry, but it is a waste of tears. I would scream but what is the point of that? I would quit, but I would be mad at myself in the long run. Other students in the school get attention and support. I have been on my own from the beginning. My advisor keeps saying that she wants me to call her if I feel lost. My thought is 'why should I have to be the one doing all the calling?' They gave me the opportunity to return to school, would it be too much to ask to have them occasionally check in on me to see how I am doing from time to time? Why is it that I have to call and make an appointment with the administrative assistant to discuss my study? Why can't I just make an appointment with you personally, Dr. Thus-and-Such?

Yesterday, a prof asked me why I decided to pursue a doctorate in the first place. I couldn't really tell her. I forgot why I wanted to do this! My family keeps asking me for money. Fifty dollars here, twenty dollars there. A few weeks ago, a relative of mine who is living with AIDS asked me to help get him an appointment to get him back on track. I asked one of my esteemed colleagues to see him and he went to the doctor's office and showed his ass. The bank assessed NINE overdraft fees because they imposed a 5 day hold on a $400 check. When I challenged the $456 in overdraft fees, they only reimbursed $125. I owe $550 to the electrician who switched my fuse box to breakers, $270 for the fees associated with my FNP licensing exam and I still haven't paid my car note. I need an escape...The DiVa is having a really bad day...

DiVa...is wondering how she can empower other women if she is feeling so weak ;(

9 comments:

It's just me :) said...

Don’t give up. Remember what you wrote in the beginning? http://nursediva.blogspot.com/2004/07/gentlemen-start-your-engines.html “I have learned so much about myself and what I can accomplish once I become determined.” Get that determination back. You have come so far already and are truly an inspiration, especially to ones like me, who are just starting out on this journey, wondering how we are going to balance our goals with our families. Don’t give up. You can do this!

DivaGirl85 said...

Don't give up I know it seems hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Vixen said...

My mom always tells me when things get tough...that the bitter moments are only there for a short while, just to let you fully savor the joyful experiences.

Maybe you just need a DIVA day...have someone babysit, turn all your phones off, and drive 2 hours away (or stay home, park your car down the street and lock the doors). Do whatever you want to de-stress..something that just helps you relax. Even taking off for 1 day can help with your drowning feelings.

Anonymous said...

I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

This is a quote which I often reference when I have enocuntered educational struggles

Be good to yourself- we need you in our profession

Anonymous said...

I hope things are getting a better for you Diva! You cannot give up now. We all have days (and sometimes weeks like this). Just keep on keeping on and this too will be a memory, soon you will be exactly where you want to be. And Diva, you are already changing the world. You have inspired me and so many others. You have inspired me more than ANYONE. EVER - and I have never even met you. Stay focused.

Richard said...

Hello!

Given the popularity and prevalence of twitter, I put together a list of 50 different nurses on Twitter that you can follow to potentially get some insight on their medical lives. If you wouldn’t mind, could you share my list with your readers?

Here's the post:

http://blog.onlinecollegeguru.com/health-care/50-nurses-you-can-follow-on-twitter/

Many thanks!
Richard

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Richard said...

Hello,

My name is Richard Hemby and I am administrator of an online education site called www.dnpprograms.org – a great resource for those seeking doctorate programs in nursing. Apart from the main feature of this site, we also maintain a blog site that talks about the interesting and always evolving work of nurses. It aims to promote understanding among registered nurses and the direct community it interacts with. It’s a fun-filled place packed with information about this noble profession.

Remember that 25 Random Things About Me fad that went viral on Facebook? Well, we have created our own version, sort of. We recently posted an article entitled 25 Things You May Not Know About What Nurses Know. It’s an interesting read that puts nurses in a new light, like having to juggle the roles of being a CEO, customer service manager, crisis coordinator and medical professional all rolled in one. Intrigued? Here is the link to the article:

http://dnpprograms.org/25-things-you-may-not-know-about-what-nurses-know/

We would like to know if you can do us the favor of putting this article on your site. I think that your readers will definitely agree and may even be surprised with the information they can gather from this. Should you have any question, feel free to me email me at Richard.hemby24@gmail.com.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks,

Richard

Vixen said...

Hey...are you done with ur program? What's going on? Give us an update!